Creepers and Adventures and Wierd Friends, Oh My

Sooo, last Thursday Lily and I went to Verde. We have decided that Verde workers are complete creepers. So like I got my Lychee Milk Tea with little pearls and then we went to Daiso and then back to Verde. At Verde, we decided to get Salty Fried Chicken. While ordering, the guy goes, "With or without pearls? *Laughs*" Lily and I are just like," Uhmmm excuse me?" Once I GET my chicken, another guy hands it to me and says, "Here you go, Salty Fried Chicken without pearls." It was horribly creepy. She also went to the bathroom and the first guy just stood there near me it was awkwardddddd. Also, some guys just don't know when to quit it. Now, not me, but a dear friend of mine is in a dilemma. And the boy she DOES NOT LIKE does not understand that and she is feeling violated. Ridiculous, right? Creeeeeeepers. They don't even talk and he likes her a lot. AND THEN I met the older brother of one of Martin's old friends today. And so we were just talking and then I had to go and he like grabs my arm and is like, "Wait and then in MY Chem class when I was a Sophomore....". Yeah, kinda not normal for a first time meeting circumstance.
And then on the same Verde day (HAHAHA THAT RHYMES), Lily goes to the bathroom. And it smells, a lot, so she takes my spray in with her. And while spraying the room, somehow accidentally sprays herself. Good Job huh? LMFAO. And then TODAY Brian somehow came up with this ridiculous idea that he was able to just walk right over me. NO. I am NOT that small. And then Kenny did the wierdest thing in the world the other day. I called him cool and he goes, "HEHE. SHE CALLED ME COOL. HEHE." Haha, only he's family so I guess he can't count as friends. But still, pretty weird...And then Michelle spazzes to Tony and manages to get him to call himself gay.
I FINISHED MY SHOWER IN UNDER 20 MINUTES TODAY! =] So happy. Hahahaha. And then for Black Friday Shopping, the Disney store <333333.>
Finals are in two weeks....Formal is 17 days away....I turn 16 in 37 days. Oh my God. I'm nervous for everything. Finals because, well duh. They're finals. Formal because I'm worried about my dress and my hair. My birthday because, well, being 16 means I need to grow up even more now. I can't be a kid anymore and all. Also, I'm worried for my formal dinner that weekend as well. Haha, some of the people I want to invite won't be there because of other complications, which makes me a little sad, but it's alright. And then some people that I feel like I need to invite don't get along with my parents, but they were there for my childhood, so they deserve to be there. I hope my dad will be okay with it and won't be all moody and all. My theme is going to be Blue and Silver, but I want a Red dress. Is that overly weird? I don't even know if I want to go buy a dress, or I can always wear my mom's reception dress from her wedding =] We'll see hahaha.
I'm so tired all of the time. I sleep early, but I don't understand why I'm so tired all of the time.Hopefully I'll be okay =]

I feel so lost...

My world seems to have stopped suddenly, while other people are still moving forward. I feel left behind, yet at the same time, I feel like I'm caught up; I'm just detached.
So many people piss me off right now: My family, some friends, my classmates, myself. I feel like crying and getting a good break down, just to let go of all this. No reason to cry, nothing upsetting me, just a good cry. It's the only way I can relieve myself of this pain, even temporarily. My family is extremely rude, and they don't seem to notice that, but I find it horribly offensive. My friends sometimes just tick me off, I mean, stop fricking whining. Those who come to me with genuine problems I am okay with, but I mean, I'm next to someone and they whine about something as simple as food and what they don't like and it's just like, "SHUT THE FUCK UP. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT." Especially when the food isn't even for them and they just want to mooch. My classmates need to shut up. I, for one, do not need anymore homework than I already have. My grades are dropping again and I have just had it. And I'm so upset with myself. I hate myself for not being strong enough to deal with this. I understand that some people have problems or dislikes and I can't get over the fact that the way they express themselves is annoying.
Yeah, so I don't know how to make CDs. Like you know, with a mix of songs, or pictures, or movies. So my mom goes and complains and bitches at me and then calls me stupid. Okay I am so sorry that I use USBs and phones and iPods. I am so sorry that you never bothered to have me learn all this because Dad always did it for me. I am so sorry that you havne't learned to do it yourself. I am so fucking sorry that I am the one born stupid and in this fucking era of technological revolution.
I want out. I need out of this hellhole, sometimes, I feel like I'm willing to do anything just to be free for one day. That's all I ask, 24 hours for myself. But I never get that. No, my hours at home should be devoted to the family completely. Never to myself. If it is, I'm selfish. If I drop everything, I fail and I lose my friends because I can't be there for them. During the weekend, I'm supposed to screw homework and wash the dishes when I hardly even eat at home anymore. And when I do, I usually clean my dishes on the spot. I'm supposed to keep my room clean to her liking. No, it doesn't matter that I like my room messy the way I like it. It doesn't matter that I'm comfortable with things on my bed. It doesn't matter that the things I throw on my desk actually mean something to me. Because my room is out of sync with her fucking "Model-home" I'm the lazy girl who doesn't even think of herself.
I wonder if she even knows that I have a sleeping disorder? I wonder if she knows the reason why I sleep with my lights on, or why I go into her room at night once my lights are out. No, of course not. Because the one time I was able to tell her how I felt, I was shot down and called selfish.
I really hate that word. I get that I'm selfish, alright? I don't need to keep being told that. I just want to go away.

Hahaha

Idk, I've felt super rushed lately, but when I sit down, I'm overwhelmed by this feeling of sleepiness. For some reason, my body feels like it's shutting down on me. When I'm standing up and I'm in a group, I seem even more energetic than usual though.
Lately my life has been a jumble. I'm awfully confused; I blame it on lack of sleep though. Lol I shouldn't be blogging this late if I'm going to be up at 5:45 tomorrow but whatever. I just finished typing up the VSA roster for the year. I can now say that I understand all you teachers' pain. Trying to read all those handwritings was awful. Luckily, a lot of boys have super girlie handwriting now. The thing that annoyed me the most, though, was all of the applications that were filled out in Sharpie. It was HORRIBLE. I swear, I need to put a note at the bottom saying that I will make them redo it if it is ineligable or done in Sharpie.
I made NHS! =] Lately, my grades have been improving a lot though, so I'm very happy. I think that the end of Homecoming and pausing Van Nghe for awhile really helped. I want to say that I'm considering coming back like next year, but I said I'd be back at the end of the month and I refuse to go back on my word. I'll just manage; I know I can do it. Somehow, I always manage to pull myself together, right?
Today, I saw someone that I had planned on avoiding. I was told that the person was going to come visit, so I left early to go get food. Who would have thought that I'd run into that person at the bus stop. Now I'm so confused; I'm proud of the way I acted around them though. I felt like I stood up for myself and refused to do whatever they wanted to. I haven't felt that much control over myself in awhile, it felt pretty good.
VSA is pretty time consuming, but I really love it. It's like SPCL, but at school. Haha, we have good and bad moments, but in the end we are the masters of procrastination. Like how we're making Pho tonight to sell tomorrow. LMFAO. ^.^; I'm really glad that I'm an officer. Plus, it's pretty cool being the only Sophomore officer right now. Hahaha. I can't wait for you Class Reps, though. Even though they won't be official officers, I'm going to make sure that the members sure as hell treat them like how we are.
I've been really ticked off at rude people lately. Any kind of rudeness, at all, just annoys me so much. Like in choir, we have a show on Monday, in front of 7 other choirs, one of which who are proffesional. This girl suddenly walks across the room, talks to the teacher, and then starts to write on the white board. She never stands up during class, and she sleeps. She blames in on her medical condition and her medicine, but she fricken uses the same thing as last year, and last year, she aided for me choir class, which is the same period as this year's Advanced choir, and she was yapping away all the time. Ugh, I can't believe that she just thinks that she can get away with all this.
Also, I despise it when people say things like, "No one cares as much as you." or, "I don't have any friends." It's like a slap in the face to those who do care, or who are your friends. Lke honestly, especially when you tell someone you like them, you don't say that no one cares like they do. What if your best friend found out? Don't they care for you more than anyone else? They're the ones sticking their necks out for you. I'm like a fricken mom. I care for everyone, everyone gets my attention. I want everyone to be happy. If you can't do something you love, of course I'm going to try and help, but it doesn't mean that you're getting any special attention. Haha, I guess this is just one of my stressy moments.
By the way, I hate those with XY Chromosomes. I think that woman would be fine without them. We'll be fricken Amazons, Warrior Women. Hahahaha. I just think that boys tend to act all macho, and so they end up hurting themselves and the people they care for. Like sure, us girls we backstab and spread rumors and do all sorts of crazy stuff, but boys are no better. Where is support when you need it nowadays?
And you know, I've been wondering, is it bad to want someone who can make you cry? I'm not sure anymore. I mean, happy relationships are amazing and all, but I think that for a relationship to be healthy, tears and pain are sort of requirments. Does that make me liek a sadist or something to think like that? Haha, I just don't know.

Well I guess it's over now

Well, I've been putting off posting any blogs till the end of homecoming. I guess that was wrong of me because all I can think about are the results. The results? Let's just say I cried and they weren't happy tears.
We were SECOND up until the football game. To be honest, if it was just the fact that people didn't come, I wouldn't have felt so bad. What got me as the fact that most of the Sophomores who came did NOT get the tickets that proved we were there so we did not get accounted for. I didn't want to cry so much. Really I didn't. But every time I calmed down and someone saw me, they'd walk up to me and be like, "Oh Tiffany don't cry. You were amazing it's not your fault." And I'd cry all over again because I knew how good we were and we still got last place. I don't know, homecoming got to be so stressful for me. And the day of the performance was just horrid.
We performed on Tuesday. Tuesday was the biggest Autumn storm in like 60 years. Tuesday our sound system was retarded and the music kept stopping. Tuesday, for the superstitious people, was an unlucky day, October 13. It was just a stroke of bad luck. We did well, everyone knows that. Everyone knows we stepped up. All the Juniors are scared for themselves.
Now, that first day I got so many compliments. Some constructive criticism which I appreciated too. The next day, one of the Biology teachers called my dance a porno. That was completely rude and uncalled for and inappropriate. She was a TEACHER in a SCHOOL environment talking to a STUDENT. To say I was pissed is an understatement. I was furious. She had no right to say that. Provocative I can deal with, but a porno? No way, and she got away with it too.
The night before, during prep, I was told that the gap in my dance which used to be required was being taken out. I was horrified and stressed and just so frustrated. That ruined my formation and everything! I cried while walking to my locker. I'm glad no one saw me, I punched my lockers, not enough to hurt anything, me or the locker, but enough to slightly feel better. I curled up on the ground and was a mess.
Last night I was a mess over homecoming. I was just horrible during that time period. I was a bitch and I was just downright awful. I went out of line sometimes and I just wants everything to be okay.
Because I know that it's over and I am okay.

A Step in the Right Direction

So like lately I've been kind of stressed out, depressed, whatever you want to call it. It doesn't help that my dad never seems to understand me, now Martin's all acting like he's the shit. I can tell that a lot of people are getting annoyed by him. He's my brother and I love him, yes, but I wonder if he knows that he hurts me so often. Like I taught him how to Waltz, I took my own time to teach the Freshmen how to Waltz, I took my time to help Martin demonstrate what he wanted to teach them. When I tell him to practice the Waltz because it's one of his weaker points, he goes, "Well I'm a lot closer to it than you are." I'm just like...really Martin? And then we've been practicing by the math wing every Wednesday after school for a month now, and Martin knows that. I've told him so many times. Yesterday, I see one of his class council officers there and he goes, "Oh wait are the Sophomores using this area?" And I'm like, "Yeah Sam, we've been here for about a month now." And he's just like, "Oh I'm sorry, can we use it as well please?" And I'm like, "Sure, but just use the far side alright?" He agrees. Martin comes and he's like, "Wtf are you doing here? The Freshmen use this area." I'm just like, "Do you really want to play this game? We're Sophomores, we have Seniority." And Sam just backs me up and he's like, "Martin don't bitch. You should be grateful that she's sharing at all." Martin fights back and he's like, "I'm not bitching, I'm just stating the facts." Doesn't he know that hurts me to know that I'm being ignored? In the end, MY dancers moved to the far end. WE gave up OUR practice area for a boy who doesn't show respect for anyone.
On the brighter side, we finally came up with more choreography. I need it done THIS week though so I don't know what I'm going to do yet. *Sigh* Next year, I'm gonna volunteer to do choreo as soon as they give out our theme. One month just is not enough for one person to do choreography for two. My dancers are telling me how cool and good the dance is and it just makes me so happy to know that they like it. I'm so afraid of letting them down, I'm on a choreographer's block. I just want them to do the dance and like it because then it'll look good. Unike other choreographers, I don't single those who can't do it out, I ask who needs help and I will help them. Like I just recently learned a part of a routine for girl's dance today and I couldn't get it my like third try, and so I was singled out along with some other girls as, "The ones who had a few mistakes." And she didn't even tell us where we went wrong or how to do it correctly. I don't know, I wasn't really upset about that though, it just made me realize how different my way of leading was. I know that I yell a lot and I tend to make lots of faces, but I mean, I try my best. I'm not perfect, I know that, everything about me screams that. I mean, Homecoming is in a week and a half and I'm not even done with choreography yet. Lovely, huh? I know that everything's going to be okay, I just wish that everything will be okay sooner, rather than later, you know?I think I just really need to take that step in the right direction right now.

Remember My Name

Alrighty so my day started off with this rather portly Indian sub for Lit. Not to be racist or anything but he sounded like an Indian man and it was rather funny. He was like, "If you don't understand just ask me to repeat myself." And this boy just kept repeating, 'What?" Over and over again and eventually he go so fed up he was just like, 'I will kick you out if you don't stop your haha." LMFAO. And then he fricken kicks us out of class once the bell rings.
And THEN today was so cold. X.X I'm so lucky I always pack socks in my bag now, I was wearing flip flops. and for my first 3 periods and part of 4th, I just walked around with no shoes and only socks. Karen was like xD wtf!? Kinda funny hahahaha.
OMG today in Chem, we had to identify an unknown substance right? So he labeled them all something different. Karen's table was up first and she got JOE JONAS!!! I was just like O.O WHAAAAAAAAAT?! And then I followed him around half the classroom until he got to mine and guess who I got? ZAC EFRON!!! YEEEE. I ran to the end of the classroom and just shouted to Karen and she was like WTF WHAT IS THISSSS?!
And THEN at the end of class Karen and 3 other people had me tell them a story in hyper speed mode. It was really funny. I finished and they were like O.O Come again? HAHAHA.
And then Kevin and I went to go watch Fame today. We were at Valco at like 2:40 and our time was 4:45 so we just hung out for all that time. We spent about an hour looking for an outlet to charge his laptop, mostly it was us listneing to music and him dancing haha. We finally just went into AMC and it got charged but there was no Wifi LOL! We played chess. I'm so bad at it, but I managed to avoid being killed so many times. Kevin was just like, "YES I'M GONNA WIN FORSURE NOW!" And then he clicks on my King and is just like, "WHAAAAAAAAT?! HOW CAN YOU STILL MOVE?!" It happened quite a few times ^.^;
Fame was soooo good but I didn't get the chance to finish it. =[ I'm gonna go again on Thursday so yeeee. I saw some trailers and now I'm just like screw it! New Moon can wait I'm watching The Blind Side. I teared while watching the TRAILER. It looks soooo amazing hahaha. I want to make a difference like Sandra Bullock's character does. =]
Well, I need to get choreography done and FAST. Ugh I don't know what I'm going to do but for now I'm just going to finish teaching and polishing what I currently have.
So I bought shoes in Viet Nam and they were soooo nice. Thing is, they're a size 7. In MENS. I'm a size like 3.5-4 in Mens. How sad. They didn't seem that big when I tried them on! But my dad JUST lilke added a whole new level of padding to it so not only do they fit now, I gain like 2 inches >:]. I'm so happy.
I HATE HOMEWORK. But I'm in love with Asher Book<3333333

Tiredd

Who knew that moving your arms could be so tiring? Well, turns out, when you fake drum for just about 4 hours straight, it HURTS. Well, it wasn't fake drumming all four hours, I did get to drum for reals more than a few times.
Van Nghe is different than how I imagined it. I mean, I sort of thought that people usually talk and chill but everything is so organized, mostly, and everyone's always focused and usually giving their all. My thighs hurt from the horse stands and bouncing/squatting every time you hit with both your arms down. Kevin showed me his arms from drumming, super toned =.=; Ima have super man arms in like 4 months. Lovelyy.
It's funn over all and I like the fact thatI'm working practically all 6 hours there. Except for maybe one hour when I wasn't in the routine, being new and all, and I watched. Alex warned me that I'd get sleepy but I didn't think I really would. Haha, she didn't lie to me after all I was almost a sleep, if they had kept dancing for maybe 2 more minutes I'd have knocked out. ^.^;
I'm really going to work hard to get this dumming thing right. Martin's called me rythmically challenged for way too long. I can totally do this, I mean, I don't think I did too badly today. I'll get better =].
Now I have to deal with homecoming practices. I'm really wondeirng just how many people are going to show up if I don't next Saturday? *Sigh* I really hope that they'll still practice without me. Haha I wouldn't miss the Tet Trung Thu festival for the world. It's too much of a tradition since I was 5 to miss. I'm looking forward to it. Now, to find someone to go with >:]

Change isn't always bad.

Change, I really don't like that word. To be completely honest, I don't think anyone should ever change. God us made us the way we are for a reason. We should learn form our mistakes and grow, but not change. Just be more mature but always hold on to every part of yourself, because it's what makes you who you are. All the good things and the bad ones as well.
Today, I brought in my Disney book to free period, I figured the four of us, Brian, Grace, Francis, and myself, could go sing Disney songs again and have so much funn. Turns out, Francis had to go to Physics Honors, Brian had to go home for a bit, and like 6 other people were there. It was still funn, I'm rather scared to watch our videos, but it was a good experience.
Some graduates came to visit today, actually, a LOT of them did. I got to meet someone new (He's kind oldddd though. LOL Class of '03 O.o) Turns out he's viet, which I did not know. Like I've seen him visit before but he looks nothing like a viet person. I told Thiha's love fortune and then we played 13. We tried to teach Katana, Francis, and Kenny. It was really funn, I'd like to do it again sometime.
Being the crazy, loving sister I am, I went to school with Martin and his friend, Sam, before 6 AM. The janitors were JUST opening up the bathrooms, I swear I wanted to die today. And I felt so sick again, after just barely recovering. 5 hours of sleep after a weekend of little sleep killed me. Luckily, I was able to function decently in my classes.
My math test is on Wednesday, I'm not really looking forward to that. My Chem grade dropped to an A-. A dissapointment. But whatever, I'll just do a really good job on my next write-up and raise it. Everything else isn't bad though, I'm still all As but math and chem are the most important to me because I'm not good at it.
Lately, I've stopped to really care how I look. I remember at one point I'd freak if my shirts didn't look good or if my hair was split wrong. Now, I can just push it all back and not care, I haven't been able to do that since 7th grade, not even, like 6th. It feels good to just be me again, you know? I don't need make-up or fancy clothes, I just need to be happy. Everytime I say something like, "Oh my God I look so washed out without eyeliner!" I see myself becoming the type of girls that I resented when I was younger. I always thought that those girls were brats who took everything for granted and were spoiled to death. I'm turning into one of them and I don't know what to do. I guess I can just stop wearing make-up all the time and just be me you know. I mean, I was called pretty before the make-up, surely I can still be so without it, right?
So lately I've been letting a lot of people into my life, I've let some people who mean so much to me read my blogs. I know that I've written some dark things in the past, but I figured, if I give my blog to a certain person, I can trust them. I can trust them to, not yell at me and call me stupid, if I cut, but to just look me in the eye and tell me to stop. I don't need to be called stupid when I cut because I felt like that in the first place.
You know, along with a big brother, I want a boyfriend as well. LOL. Typical huh? But I'm going to be picky this time, I'm going to find a boy who is good for me. I need a boy who can wait for me, because I will often fall behind in my own game. He also needs to deal with my often bad singing. Trust me, I know when I sound like crap and lately, I've been sounding like so. You don't know how bad I sound to myself when I'm singing the S2 part next who Grace who's amazing and singing S1. She can always hear me and I'll always hear her but I feel so laksdjakdja. Ew next to her 'cause she's so amazing. I kind of want a boyfriend who can sing and dance too. LOL well, singing more than dancing because I feel happy when someone I care for sings haha. But dancing, my gosh it just gives me the most amazing thrill in the world. There's nothing like it in the world. I just love it so much and like, Martin and I don't get along well enough for me to dance with him. My current goals are to learn how to Argentine Tango and how to Salsa. =]
I am so completely random, not easily amused, random. Hahaha. I'll just say the weirdest things at the strangest times but hey, it keeps me happy and not sad.
I guess, change isn't always bad, I mean, today our little routine of just the four of us changed drastically, but it was still funn. I'm glad that today changed, but I'd kind of like it if it was less crowded. I guess I'm becoming more anti-social. I'm starting to really fear people, because it hurts so much when someone you love isn't there anymore. And I'd give so much away just to have them back with me again. I hate that empty feeling I get, and nothing can fill it up, not even singing with my choir kiddo buddies. I don't know, maybe I'm just too clingy, but I can't help it. Haha. Ridiculous huh?

Well then,

I have decided that a happy blog was long over due. I've been just so super depressed lately and everyone who reads this HAS to think that I've got the worst life in the world but that's not true.
I've made some wonderful memories these past few weeks. I've made new friends, had good laughs, just had all out funn.
School's been getting harder to deal with every day, but 7th period I look forward to all the time. It's what just makes my day. I absolutely love singing but when I'm down, it's the last thing I want to do. God knows there have been times where I just want to go mute and never say another word again, much less sing. During that free period, I feel like I belong somewhere and I feel so happy. Right now, just knowing that I can walk into that room after math every day, even Wednesdays, and seeing all those familiar faces is the only thing keeping me going to be completely honest.
Also, I've been expecting to see Sam over every day now and we'll just sing. Me, Martin, and Sam and it's so much fun. With them, I don't just like go in and sing, I'll be doing my own stuff and Sam will just be like, "Where's our girl voice?!" And I'd be like O.o hahaha. It's times like these when I feel like Martin and I can really get along without hurting each other.
Life really doesn't hate me. I've been blessed in so many different ways. I've met the best people in the world. My family may not be perfect but right now, at least I have one. We're not super rich but we're not poor. We're really well off. Like despite what I say, I know I'm not fat. I may not be super skinny, which is bad, I like having meat on me, but like I'm not fat. And I know that I'm not the best singer on Earth. I'm not amazing like Meg or Grace or Cheese, but I'm good in my own way. And like I may not be as good at dancing as Lauren or like Dionna but I'm good in my own way. I'm a really lucky girl. I mean, I may not have an amazing boyfriend and my relationships DO kind of suck, but I'm well off in other areas and I'm really grateful. I know that I take things for granted like everyone else. I know that I give attitude and that I get moody. I'm really trying to not be mad anymore, I just don't want to be. I think that if I can find a way to just be happy, to be optimistic, everything will be okay in the end, right?
I just don't want to be depressed and mad and I don't want to cut anymore. I know I've said that I'd stop and I do. It's just, when my family, and it's only my family, gets me so down, I don't know what else to do. It used to help so much. I used to feel like the world was lifted off my shoulders, but now, I just feel even more pain. Nothing seems to help anymore and I'm not sure what to do, so I just read. Haha I'm such a nerd but it helps and it makes me happy.
Blogging is one way of venting, but I feel bad 'cause people, like Alex who read EVERY BLOG, have to read through all my troubles. So, it's happy blogs like this, or the random ones like the sexphobia one, that make me feel less guilty. Haha.

Sometimes

So like lately my best friend and I have been pretty moody at each other. I mean, I love her above all reason and I know she loves me too, but I guess it's just another one of those bumps between us?
So like at first it was another boy thing you know, crazy right? Best friends arguing over a boy? Ridiculous, and it was. I can't believe that I didn't fully see the extent of the damage until now. I mean, when we were joking the other day and she said, "Wow you take him away from me and now you don't even want him?" I realized that I DID take him from her and that I'm so selfish. Like I don't know. I love her, so much, and I nearly led us downwards because of this.
And then it was our locker issue, and it's like she wanted the top locker so she switched and then she didn't get it so she switched back to me and we argued a bit over space and I don't know. I didn't want her to be upset at me anymore so I convinced the boy to switch with her. And I feel selfish again. *Sigh* I plan to go buy a basket tomorrow so I can put up some junk in there so I won't take up so much space, even if he does say that he doesn't use it. I don't know, I'd hate for her to be any more upset with me than she already probably is.
And then there's the couples dance, I guess I've been so confusing about my partner and we sort of argued over that today and I don't know. Sometimes I'm pretty sure I said something to her and it turns out that I didn't and it just ends up hurting her. I really despise when that happens. I feel like the worse person on Earth when it does. =/
And THEN, like worse of all, was our clubs issue. Now here is where I REALLY like to think that she loves me very much. Because sometimes, I do have to admit, I don't feel like it. Like I want to do Interact AND Key Club but like they hate each other. I think that both clubs are amazing but how can I do something that crazy if everyone, including my best friend, is against me? How can I do something like that without her support? I mean, I just I don't know. I really need her with me right now but I don't want to force her to do something that she is against. =[
To her:
Heyy hunn. I know I haven't been the best kind of friend lately, I really don't know what's up with me right now. But I just wanted you to know that I need you right now. I want to still be able to carry you when you can't walk anymore. Kind of like in the Christian Footprints Club ad you know? There will be two sets of footprints in the sand, mine and yours, but when you're at your lowest and you see only one set, it was then that I carried you. I know we can work this bump out, just like the last one. Like I said last year, all it takes is faith, trust, and pixie dust. (And I plan to get some if I go to Reno again this year. I've seen them before and my daddy still hasn't bought me a bottle after like 6 years D:)

Mmm

I don't know. I really didn't have the greatest of days today.
I think I'm going to drop out of homecoming. I mean, I really love it and it's a lot of fun and all but I don't know. There are certain people whom I can't deal with. Like I try my best to stay quiet and I don't like to attract attention to myself with them around, but something always happens and I get singled out. I honestly don't take criticism very well, like I appreciate constructive critique, but like, I take everything to heart, so if someone tells me that what I've come up with is bad, it really hurts. And it's like I don't know. I'm not so sure if being hurt like that is worth all that fun. I'll just send the music and notes over to someone else probably. *Sigh* I might not even go to the practice tomorrow, I mean, I've already taught them everything in the first half and so they can make up their own stuff in the second half, right?
And then I want to join four community service clubs and like two of them hate each other and I just don't know about this either. I mean, I think that they're all great clubs and I want to do them all but like, is it worth getting bitched out for? And I really think that their feud is stupid. *Sigh* Life hates me right now.
And then like with my family, I mean, my mom finds every little thing I do wrong just so she can yell at me. I really mean it. Like, she's always telling me how she hates it when Martin calls so she can pick us up and he's always telling her to hurry up and get us so I almost never call her. I either get a ride home from someone or I walk, in like fricken 90 Degrees weather sometimes! I love my mom, a lot, but I just can't stand her as well. I don't think I can take much more of this. She's always telling me that she's going to say something to only me because I'm older and mature now and then like the next minute she's like OMG YOU'RE ONLY 15!!! What? 5 years from now I'll be only 20? Is she serious? I've gotten so tired of hearing that but I can't talk back to her. And then Martin, I hear him out all the time, but whenever I want to show him something or like tell him something, he doesn't care. And like Sam, who is like his friend on and off, told me that Martin was like, "Oh I think I have a better chance of making capella than Tiffany." And I'm just like wow Martin...thanks for the support. And like when I confronted him, he was like no why would you trust Sam over me? And I was like well you wouldn't tell a person that you shit talked about them to their face why shouldn't I trust him? And he was like yeah I would. BS. That's all I have to say. I'm getting sick of being the older sister as well. And I really have no older brother I can confide in. No one I can really trust. Like Joseph is really amazing, but he's too far away to give me that hug I sometimes need and he's too far away to hold me when I'm crying in a corner. And he's also got issues of his own right now, I hate being a bother. With an older brother I can just say that it's just his job hahaha. I really want an older brother right now, I'd never want an older sister, but an older brother I'd wish for.
Hmmm so many other things I want to talk about at times but I just don't know anymore. Why do I feel like such a burden?

Sometimes I Wonder...

Alright so this blog is dedicated to Brian...and a little bit of Karen too because she was involved, sort of.
Well, so this all started when Brian asked me if I ever thought about sex or anything related to it. And I was like O.O and I didn't give him a reply. The next day, I think, Karen was dragged in and she was like O.O, "Do you?!" Well, I answered, "Well who doesn't?" And I mean really, who doesn't? I mean, we live in a world where sex is common and brought up EVERY day. And I read a LOT of romance novels so of course I've thought about it. But I really haven't thought about it like WITH anyone.
Sex scares me. To be completely honest, it does. Hell, looking at a super skinny tampon scares me. Because of all my romance novels, I can say that I know a lot about sex. It's just I really am scared of pain and like sex HURTS the first time and it's like scary beyond belief! Hahaha. So yeah, I mean, sure I ponder on the subject but like in truth it really really scares me. Labor scares me too. I mean, spending over 9 hours shoving a hugeass baby out of a TINY little hole? Lovely...
I also discovered that I can't handle seeing blood. I don't know what caused this but I guess I'm scared of that as well. (Thanks Karen. That zit video made me realize this. =.=;)
But yeahh wow that was completely random. HAHA. I just needed to get that out of my system for some reason.

Doo Doo Doo

Sooo, I'm getting ready to go home in a few days...more like a little over one.
So like I spent a few of my days here in Saigon over at my mom's friend's kids' house. Yeahh, they have a house just for the kids. Cuz one of their family friends left for Canada and left their kid here in Viet Nam so it's like he has the house to himself along with his godfather's 3 sons. Pretty cool. And so they have cousins in Texas whom I met. Two girls and the younger one and I really like clicked well. And then like on her last day here in Viet Nam, she came up with this crazy idea. That two of her cousins liked me.... Hahaha. Or rather, the middle child did. The older one came up later that day. It was kinda wierd but I was like w.e you know. The odler one is older than me, about a two year difference. the middle child is younger than me. About 7 months. The older one and I got along quickly cuz the middle one was kind of conservative but now we're like buddies! Martin's kinda pissed cuz the middle one used to be his driver but now he's mine hahahaha. I think I might like him a little too but it's highly unlikely. I know better than that =]
I'm ready for home. I'm gonna miss everyone here but well, home is home. And Appa!!!! Hahahaha.
Today, I'm going to go to church and then hang out and take tons of pictures with the boys. Haha.
Ugh, I can't find my battery pack OR my memory card for my camera...so screwed. >.<

Please Don't Stop The Music

Sooo, I've been in Da Nang for a week and a day now and I started to learn to dance 3 days ago. Everyone tells me that I'm an extremely fast learner. To be honest, I'm just a good follower when I don't know what to do. As long as my partner can lead well, I can dance =].
I've learned to tango, rumba, paso, bebop, cha cha, and boston. I haven't learned to valse yet though. I hate the cha cha...it's not easy to move in a straight line while trying to move your hips and arms without moving your shoulders. ASKDJASKLDJASK. Haha I can bebop to the Pokemon Kanto theme. Aren't I cool? Haha.
So my cousin has the worlds most retarded boyfriend, He's really chill though and he's a good singer and dancer, he's actually my teacher. He eats like crazy but is afraid of the fat on pork and he talks a lot. Hahahahaha. He smells REALLY good too. People say that we look like we're siblings which is really cool cuz I'd like to have a big brother like him and in public he does say that we're siblings when people ask.
So some random old guy asked me to dance TWICE yesterday. Sweaty palms, tobacco breath, old guy. EWEWEW. It scared me....
My cousin's bf and another family friend smoke like all the time but like they do something to make their breath like smell normal afterwards. Kinda cool. Hahaha.
I really like Da Nang, it's so much fun.
So one of the workers at our family club is this kinda cute pretty fobby guy. And like I've noticed him since I first got there and then on the first day I went to hang out with everyone after the club closed, he was the one to drive me around. When he didn't hang out the next day with us and we were like one driver short, we cheated anyways, but I was like oh where is he? And then my cousin and her boyfriend were all like, "Oh he left early cuz you didn't invite him. " LOL. So I stuck my phone in my purse with like 50 other objects and my screen totally cracked and like so he works at a phone shop during the day so he's going to fix it for me. Yay!
I was out on the beach for two hours without sunscreen on my back....not very smart. Now it's like black with like my bikini string line and the loops. Ugh. So I'm wearing a tanktini for today when I go to the beach.
You know, I might sound totally crazy and I might rethink this later, but I wouldn't mind living here in Da Nang....

Soooo

So I watched Transformesr 2 two days ago. Very cool. I cried and like my brother and I HELLA spazzed out, only, Viet people don't translate some really good stuff so sometimes Martin and I would crack up and we're like the only Americans there so like everyone else is quiet and it's like LOSERS.
We also bought Dragon Ball Evolution, not bad, the plot is good but like Piccolo was never a bad guy, I hope they know that. I mean, he was just an opponent of Goku. Never a bad guy. Aishh.
Night at the Museum 2 we also got. Very funny. Completely random. Haha.
Uhm, my dad came, he's only staying for about 2 weeks though.
AUGH I ATE THE CLIMATE HERE!!!! I'm like breaking out like crazy and my hair is so dry it breaks all the time so my hair is like super thin. >:O
Well I don't know what else to write...
My hair is bluish greenish? Have I said that already? And I almost lost my blankey like within the first week of my trip. That was horrible.

AUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!

I really have just HAD it. My sister is the brattiest, most selfish, most annoying person EVER.
Alright so my mom JUST went through surgery (Don't ask. Please.) And so she needs peace and quiet to recover and she needs space to heal. Anna can NOT keep her mouth shut for her LIFE. And I have been fucking taking care of my mom ALL fucking day. and so I was supposed to watch her at night as well, but noooooooo. Anna starts crying because she obviously doesn't care about our SICK, OLD grandma whom she was sleeping over with. And so my cousin takes her back AFTER I told her that she couldn't come home. AND THEN she's all running around slamming doors yelling. And my mom was like oh Anna sleep with your cousin so Tifany can take care of me ok? And she's like ok. And then like 10 minutes later she climbs onto my mom's bed, and elt me tell you, she KICKS at night. Which means my mom's probably going to get hurt tonight, but does Anna care? Noooooooooooo. AND I told her that too. And then I left my blanket that I've been using for the past WEEK in that room while I was on the computer and I'm like Anna fold up the blanket so I can take it to the other room tonight. And she's like ok, and she uses it. And like What the FUCK. And then I'm like WTF ANNA. And my mom starts yelling at ME. And I'm just like oook. I obviously see your gratitude for me coming to your every beck and call. I see your gratirude for walking up and down three fucking flights of stairs while carrying a heavy ass tray of food. I fucking see your gratitude for watching what I eat around you so you don't feel sorry for yourself whenever I eat something that you can't right now. I see your fucking gratitude for me helping you wah and tightening your bandages and turning on and off your T.V. and keeping you entertained.
I'm just really pissed off and hurt you know? It's like I put so much effort into this and like I get no real appreciation. Ok, so she called up one of her friends to take me shopping tomorrow. So what? I can do without shopping. I just want to be a little noticed you know? What if I wanted to sleep with my mom tonight? What if I wanted to be the only one who's able to help her? (Which I am.)
Ugh whatever.

Doodoodoo

Hahahaha so VN had been keeping me pretty busy lately, what with work and all. My God I need to stop working at the restaurant and start working out. But I'm only going to be working from maybe 8-11:30 starting Monday because Martin's going to take swimming lessons and I need to fix up my form. 5 hour swimming!!! =] I'm going to lose hella weight again and I'll be so happyyyy. Haha.
So lately I've been awfully tired....and wierdo Viet guys are always staring at me. AND THEN today there was this like, I think German, family, and there was SEVEN of them. And then I saw this mexican looking guy who knew how to speak viet with this other girl and I heard her speak viet but she wouldn't talk to me. And like they saw me speak in english to the big family and they were lie O.o. And then the guy starting to try talking english to me and I was like =.=; if you haven't been paying attention, I've been communicating in viet to my aunt and uncle... And then when I brought them their drinks, the dude was like, "where you from?" and I was like "California" and then he was like "She say you look like japanese." And I was like haha o.o
I'm missing out on so much at home, and I haven't even had the time to learn to drive a motercycle yet. *sigh* It's just been work work work and visit visit visit for me.
Every hour or so my uncle's like TIFFANY FOOD!!!! And I'm just like nty and he's like nooooo tryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. And then I'm like aksdhakjsdhasjkdhajs I'M FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT And then he was like you're goal is to gain 5 kg by the end of your trip and I was like FUCK NO IMA LOSE THAT MUCH WEIGHT.....somehow =.=;
Martin called me skinny!!!! Only, it was in a nice but kinda disturbing way. I was like I need plastic surgery to get rid of all this fat and then he was like but you're skinny and I was like aaskjdhajsdhaj LIAR and then he wa slike the only reason why you're like 10 pounds heavier than me is cuz of your boobs. O.o kinda weirddddd.
So a \t the airport in SF, I met a man who had a son who could bench like 250 as an eith grader O.o and like 360 by the end of Senior year and he could squat 400 with that weight. HELLA BEAST!!!! O:
Well, idk what else to write. I'm not going to be colorful this time, too lazy =]

Greetings from the land of Viet Nam!!!

Woooow. Deprivation of hot guys and friends has turned me into a martian O.O.
Alright so first things first. It is HOT in Viet Nam. Like like humid hot. Like sticky hot. Like ew gross wtf is wrong with my hair it looks like I haven't showered in days when I just showered like 5 hours ago hot. So fucking disgusting. And like all the tops that my mom bought for me from A&F are like kinda booby showing so it's like awkwarrrrrrrrrrd.
So yesterday I was fully covered right? Capris, tank that always covers my chest, hair down, flip flops. I thought I was decent. I'm on a motercycle and on my way to my Grandma's house and we're on a street and about to turn the corner into hers and we pass by this place that sells food on the sidewalk. The boys were like o.o. And I'm like CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPER!!!!!!! Hella freaked me out. And I was DECENT too!!!! And THEN my mom tells us to go out there to eat and there's this dude next to us and he's just staring at me and I was like "Mommy he hella disturbs me he's just staring!" And then my mom was like "Don't stare back." And I was like wow no really?
And THEN like omg whoever says that Cang looks Korean must be on drugs or something. I swear I have seen like 30 Cang look alikes!!!!! O: Everytime it's like Cang? Noooooooo. Cang? Noooooooooo way. Nope not Cang. It is just so scary. Aishhh.
And I'm lacking hot guys!!!! I mean ok I know I have a wide variety of Viet guys to pick from but uhm, excuse me for being shallow but they're all greasy and disgusting and ugly in the face. Not even hot bodies. Like there was one decent looking guy at the massage place I went to yesterday but like he was shirtless and he wasn't flab but no muscles. He just had like a lean body with no fat but no muscle.
AHHH!!! I went to a massage place and like I left with the same knots in my neck and back and shoulders and a few bruises to add onto to the mix. I also had the girls wanting my hair extensions and pictures of 30 year old men that I know. I'm like wtf. I'm 15 yes I'm friendly with old men in their 30s who are at least TWICE my age. But jsadjasdajsd. Like they hella focused on my legs and when it got to my back it was like painville. They were like running me over with a truck. >:[ So yeahh my back is still messed up.
I would say that I'm homesick but I'm not really because I'm really home wherever I go you know. I'm a little friendsick. Time passes by so slowly in Viet Nam. I'm not busy like I was in America and I can't make myself busy. I can't even make calls and I have a cell phone. '[Cause in Viet Nam if you make calls it's hella expensive but if you recieve calls it's free. Haha it's like America in the older days =].
Martin's getting hella disrespectful and it's bugging the shit out of me. My mom finally is getting enough of it as well and so she's like pulling him out into a corner and he's still being a bitch about it. Like I honestly know that I can be a bitch about things like that but like when my mom hit him he was like put it down mom. I was just like wow wtf Martin. I understand that you hate being hit and that we haven't been hit in like years but he was just like Mom put it down you're not allowed to hit me. And then he starts yelling at her and bitching out at her. Like in situations like these he's the wrong one. My mom even tore apart the situation and showed him what exactly went on and he was like no I'm right and you're wrong. and then on top of it all, he dragged me down with him. Everyone knows that when I'm focused on something I focus like hell so I can't hear what's going on around me unless someone says my fucking name. But noooo my mom bitches out at me later on as well because I'm also apparently at fault. And the before we left Martin was like oh I'm never going to use any of the two laptops so I was left in charge of 2 bags and Anna's backpack with the laptop inside. Now he's like hogging it 24/7. I love my brother but right now, even as he's crying, I can't pity him for being disrespectful like that. Especially when it's usually me getting the short end of the stick. I think that the best thing you get from being the one in the family that is usually the one to take all the blame is that you learn to just tolerate things and you learn to just adapt to stupid things like that.
Hopefully I'll have happier news next blog huh? That last chunk was just random and out of the blue.

I'm so dissapointed

I'm tired, I'm really tired of fighting. I'm tired of yelling. I'm tired of being mad. I'm tired of crying.
I've had it with all the bitching. I've had it with all the rumors. I've had it with the names.
I hate all the fakeness. I hate all the random messages. I hate saying bullshit.
I don't want to give up. I don't want to run away. I don't want to fall apart.
I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of losing everything.
I can't handle any more pressure. I can't handle retarded adults. I can't handle those expectations.

I wish I could have just one day without being sad. I wish I could just be the person everyone sees for just one day. Not even, from when I open my eyes till they close that day. Isn't that less than 24 hours? I just want to smile from my heart...

It's strange...or is it just me?

Alright so like today was really kinda of weird.
Like P.E. really pissed me off because instead of running for 20 minutes, I had to run like 35-40 because my Heart Rate Moniter wasn't working. Really pissed me off.
And then like I was told to look away but I thought the person meant look to him and look away from the other person so like I saw his fricken ass. NOT a very pretty sight at all. Scarred me for life.
And then Karen and I tried to look at each other without laughing but it didn't work out too well. It was REALLY funny though. I mean, she was laughing even when her eyes were closed.
And
THEN, on the way home, like while walking out of the school there's likea flattened bird heard on the ground that we always pass so Karen tried to look for it but it was GONE. O: And then we had to look for it and we just about gave up and she was walking aloong the edge of the grass and concrete when I saw it like two steps in front of her. She really freaked out at the thought of almost stepping on a squished bird head. and I'm pretty sure it's a bird head because a few months back there was a flattened talon and I was REALLY scared. Plus, there are feathers on the thing so like it kind of has to be a bird head. It's really nasty though.
My mom fed me like seaweed stuff, like Viet dessert and claims that it's good for your skin. Oh joy, she keeps making me intake stuff for my skin. Haha. Two months ago it was herbal drinks. LOL.
I'm almost done with 1 Litre of Tears. I STRONGLY reccomend watching it. It's really heartbreaking and it's so worth watching. Also, it's addicting. I also reccomend Hana Yori Dango. It's the original, japanese Boys Over Flowers. That's also very good. The school year's almost over!!!!!
I wanna go to Oak Grove's grad but I have no ride and at the same time I want to go to Tino's grad, which is the same day, but I have no one to go with me. (I don't wanna be all like loner status. >.<) So I don't know what I'm going to doooooo.

*Sigh*

So lately a lot of things have just been invading my mind. What with finals, Viet Nam, the possibility of going far, far away, and boys, I don't know where I'm going.
Finals are gayyyyyy. I hate them sooo much but if I do well on all my homework this week, then I should be in pretty good shape. I'm really sort of nervous to see freshmen year end, I mean, I really sort of liked it.
Viet Nam is coming way too soon, I am not ready at all to go to that hot, hot place. But heyy, I get monthly allowence which is given to me in portions weekly and so I think I'll be alright. I'm going to focus on tennis a lot, though, because I want to get better at it and play it as a sport at school. And I'm planning to shop around a lot, maybe an hour a day? Not long, just to explore. And I definately will spend my nights on a motercycle. Ooh baby. LOL. I'm really excited about learning to drive one. Haha. Maybe going isn't so bad after all.
So yeahh, my parents have talked a lot about moving. Either to Peidmont High, or Boston. Can you believe that? Fricken BOSTON. That's HELLA far away, I have so much here. I mean, at first I was like whatever mom, what you tihnk is best if probably so. But now, my future at Cupertino is so bright. I want to join CAT at Tino. I want to get into Capella at Tino. Our performing arts program is so amazing, I don't think Boston can even compare to this. But you know, whatever it comes down to, I can't do a single thing about it, can I?
Boys, boys, boys. They should all go die in a hole, I swear. So, I got to know someone not too long ago and I figured I could like him, I mean, I wouldn't really mind, but I used to like someone VERY close to him and I am so scared of repeating the same situation. And, I feel a little used around him and I should never have to feel that way, right? And another boy that would be good for me, I just can't seem to get myself to like him in that way. I mean, I consider us very good friends and I think he's very sweet, but I can't date him. And another boy I recently got to know is very nice and all and some of my very close friends think I like him but I really don't. I just like making new friends, and even if it looks like I'm flirting, I'm really trying hard not to. I just want another friend you know? Sometimes, it seems like everyone is leaving me so I am constantly looking for someone to stay.
And Karen Luo is an amazing girl. Even though she's horribly retarded, she really cares about me. I mean, we've been best friends for about a year and a half now right? What can go wrong? And even though we rarely talk about personal things anymore, I know that our chances will come up and we can just pour our hearts out to each other. Only thing is, if she's lying down, I have to as well because she claims it's awkward looking up at me because all she sees are my boobies. Hahaha. Awkward child much? But yeahh, I'm not going to give her up. She's part of my future, but what's going to happen if I leave? =/

Maybe yes, maybe no.

Okok, so I've been doing a lot of thinking (LOLOL yes again.) And like I remembered how we were talking about our shelter service and how Hai was like "You emo girls blog!!!!) I remember replying that I wasn't emo, but looking at my background for this, my AIM buddy info, and most of my poems, I was all like oh snapzzz maybe I am a little emo.
But then again, I'm really cheery, nowadays you would tihnk I'm sad but I'm just learning to be more observant and to listen and not talk all that much. Plus, I've had a lot on my mind.
Also, whenever something touches me emotionally, I start to cry. Like, right away. I watched the last like 3 minutes of Titanic and I cried =.=;
I listened to some girls try out for solos today and I teared up (But that was probably because my Mommy really likes that song.)
Idkk, I actually really like crying. I don't think it's a bad thing. I've really decided that crying is better than holding it all in. I think all these tears are just an after effect of holding it in for so long.
But yeahh. I don't know what to blog really.
OH! Have I told you I'm artistically challenged yet? If I haven't, you will soon. And like I was in a group of all boys in Lit today so I had to draw cuz they were being sexist and they were like you can draw better than us. Lols.
Everything's coming to an end isn't it? I don't know if it's just me, but it seems like I can just feel it.
But I don't have any right to be complaining, life is good to me. It always has been. And I have a feeling that this will always be so.

What's happening?

Ok, so like recently, I've noticed how much of an emotional wreck I am. Like, I think I can trace me emotional unstableness to maybe Lumos? I mean, I've cried, but nothing like I am now.
For some reason, the tiniest things set me off. Like I watched 17 Again and I cried so much during a certain touching scene, and then at the end when everyone was happy, I cried again. A few days later, I read the latest Nana chapter and I cried like hell. My parents thought I was weird. =.=; Just about an hour ago, I watched the Little Mermaid III: Ariel's Beginning for the first time. I cried for the last 20 minutes straight. Even when they were partying.
Maybe it's just me but I think something's triggered my feelings into becoming even more of a roller coaster. I mean, I watched the Lion King in choir class and I cried there too!!!!
Also, Karen and I have noticed that I've been just so out of it lately. My attention span is worse than a fly, and it's not like in a funny way. I'm always losing focus and I can't seem to recall some memories.
Like, if I'm texting you at night and I fall asleep on you, the next morning, all I'll remember is the fact that we talked. I'll look over at the texts and not remember any of them at all, much less the fact that I replied. It's really scaring me. Less than half a year after my P.E. basketball unit, it took me a month to remember the fact that we played at all, even with help.
Another thing is, I tend to change subjects very quickly and my talking speed at gone up and my stuttering has gone down. Like I said before, I can't seem to stay focused, but when I really talk, it's just awful. I'll ask you a question, answer it myself, then move on to a completely different subject in maybe 10 seconds. In that time, you're probably still processing my first three words. *Sigh*
I don't know what's happening to me. But whatever it is, I'm determined to find out and to seize control over it like it's a Christian and I'm the hungry lion >:[ WATCH OUT!!!!
(I'm not crazy or weird Karen!!!!)

It feels good.

So, I've been so busy lately I haven't had time to blog at all until my friend Alan reminded me. Haha. So I've been doing a lot of community service with Leadership lately and it just feels so good doing all that. Like I was bummed out and dead tired after my opening night of my musical, and yet, while struggling to roll that paint onto the walls, I felt good and I couldn't stop. It's just a really amazing feeling and all and like I never got a chance to do anything like this before Leadership. It sucks to think that after Leadership, the chances of me going out and doing community service would be slim, very, very slim.
So it's Karen's birthday tomorrow. Lots of suprises for her =]. It's going to be so much funn. Movies and then dinner. Lols.
Today during church, I noticed my cousin's tooth and realized that one of them had broken in half. Not too attractive but he's still adorable.
My daddy's being all blegh. Won't stop yelling and me and my mom complains that I'm too defiant. Well, at least I know that in the future I'll be very determined huh. Lmfaooo.
I flirted with a guy yesterday, fun fun stuff. Hadn't had that much fun simply talking and lightly flirting in ages. I almost gave up on boys. Hahahaha. He's not that cute but he's a sweetheart.
I have 43 days left of Leadership left. O.O I can't believe it! A whole YEAR has gone by soooooo fast!!!!!!! I love everyone in Leadership so much, I know that I'll HAVE to give back to them next year. My heart won't let me live otherwise.
STAR testing is right after Spring Break too. Wish me luck?
<3

I thought I was done with tears...

So uhm lately, I haven't been feeling all that hot and like, I find it really ironic about how I say something and it like happens almost like right away. Like Karen and I were so happy that I finally got myself out of drama and like that night, some crap happens. And other stuff too. My parents and I are off again and I don't know. I'm just really, really sick of it all. Someone once told me that to be mature was to be able to differentiate important things from things that are just a waste of time. I told that person that I had that ability and they told me no, I did not, because I let it get to me. Because I allowed for myself to cry and to be affected by insignificant things like that.
Life is too short to hold on to things or people who just don't belong anymore. I'm done with those who turned on me, I'm just going to move forward. I know that it will hurt, and I know that countless more tears will fall from my eyes, but I need to try.
Lately, I've been trying so hard to be happy. I know that being down and gloomy just hurts my, not just mentally, but physically it weakens me as well, and so I tried my best to smile, but when the world fell on me, I collapsed. I couldn't fake anymore smiles.
Before, it was just enough to smile in the mirror each morning and each night, so I could picture my happy face and lighten my heart myself. But I've come to realize that I am one of those people who simply cannot go through life by themselves at all. And I give myself out so freely. I trust too easily and I love too quickly.
Each time I get hurt. Each time I cry. Each time something goes wrong I lose another piece of me. But still I try to hold onto hope. Still, I want to love and trust innocently. I don't want to have to change so extremely.
I'm really being torn apart right now. It's not because I have many obligations, it's because my only mode of transportation encourages me to be involved, then blocks me by not taking me anywhere and not allowing for me to get rides from anyone.
Leadership I love to no end, but there are times where I am forced to choose between Leadership and another obligation, and everytime I pick Leadership.
Leaderhsip nearly costed me my bes friend and I was so scared to lose either so I clug to both with everything I had. Leadership nearly costed me my grade, but I didn't care. I love Leadership so much. Leadership is costing me my relationship with my mom, but I need Leadership. Despite all the tears and the pain that I feel nowadays, Leadership is my everything. Flaws and all. Leadership is costing me a shot at a relationship, and I am now needing to decide, but something tells me that I am going to pick Leadership again and lose that chance.
I need Leadership, yes that is true, but my best friend and I talked, and no matter how much Leadership means to me, it is because everyone holds a piece of my heart. Add them up and they're slightly short of the piece that Karen holds, so I still need her much more, but the fact that I need to many people is different, and I love originality. Haha.
I don't know what I'm saying anymore, I guess my brain just doesn't want to work under all this pain. In the end though, I guess I really thought I was done with tears...

Weirdo

Haha. I have to admit, yes I am one. And I'm super proud of it. After all, if I wasn't aweird, my life would be boring.
So apparently banned from my own room except for when I sleep....I was like WOW WTF I LIKE MY ROOM. And it IS my ROOM. But whatever. as if I'm really going to leave my only place of comfort.
I watched Spectacular the other night, it was pretty good. Nolan is really cute. HAHAHA. Makes me wanna join show choir, too bad Tino doesn't have one >.<
Haha, so I've been like booked all break, and the one day I have free, I have to dedicate to homework. Augh, so much to make up. I can't hang out with anyone at all and it really sucks. So much for break right? Haha. I'm starting to love singing again, my I'm losing the voice I once had =/
Hahaha. I'm such a weirdo but whatever. I'm living life day to day with barely any regrets <3

Smile

I find it awfully funny how I have to live by this every single day of my life, but whenever I think of it, all my smiles are simply instinctual. I simply smile because my body tells me to. They are really not real, and I feel horrible for not being to show anyone how I really feel.
Smile, the musical, a piece of shit. But I crave the feeling of commitment. I long for the feeling of stage fright. I love the rush I know I'll feel when I look down into the audience. But it really hurts to know that my own mother won't be able to make it because of a business trip.
I've heard of cases where a child grows up distant to it's parents because it's parents are always at work and they feel neglected, but I've never had to experience it before. I mean, I totally understand if my dad doesn't show, because I grew up being used to it. But my mom, the first person I see in the morning usually, the woman who has only missed one choir performance in my entire life because she wasn't feeling well. The woman who drove to my school in the middle of the day just to watch me sing for choir. The woman who encouraged me to buy class clothing so that I would always be reminded of what had taken place that year. She would miss not one, not two, but six of my shows.
Even though I would be doing the same thing all six days, it hurts to know that she wouldn't be able to make it. It hurts to know that she would be on the other side of the world while I'm flaunting around pretending to be a contestant of a Young Miss Beauty Pageant.
I grew up to be a person completely different than what anyone imagined. No one thought that I would grow to love dancing. No one thought that I'd be able to act. No one thought that I would be able to design. No one ever imagined that I'd be the person I was today. All those dreams were meant for my sister. She was the daughter that my parents wanted to send to Europe to study Performing Arts. She's the daughter that doesn't get yelled at when her graders come home and a D or a C shows up, because my parents want her to get into acting or singing or some sort of art anyways.
To my parents, I'm just okay at anything I do. I'm okay at dancing. I'm barely okay at singing. I'm okay at acting. I'm okay at everything I do, my dad didn't even turn to look at me when I was so excited about the fact that I had made callbacks. My mom just started to tell me what she thinks I'd do wrong and told me to avoid it.
One of the few times it seemed like they care was actually last night, when I was helping Martin look for a lost screw to his guitar and I picked something up while the light was dim. The object was small and contained ridges but when Martin finally got a chance to look at it, I was already turning it and I swear I saw some sort of eye like things on the dead form. I screamed and dropped it. I felt horrified. I got yelled at. My parents told me I overreacted. They didn't even seem to notice that I was scared out of my mind. They just thought that I was in real trouble. Even when I think of it, I get the shivers.
My parents always ask me why I always want to be with my friends. Maybe it's because I feel home when I'm around them. Home is when you are surrounded by those you love most, and when they love you in return. I hardly feel that at my house anymore. That's really all it is now. A house, and empty shell of what used to be a beautiful structure filled with life and music and love. Now it's just people who barely talk to each other.
The eldest daughter just sits up in her room painting or writing. The only son sits on his computer playing games while talking to his girlfriend. The youngest daughter sits in her parent's room watching T.V. The mother is always in the kitchen cooking or by the piano writing music. The father is simply just not home from 6-8:30.
I sometimes say I want to live with my friends, not because I think I'm too good for my family and I can take care of myself completely at age fifteen, but because I think I'd feel happier if I did. I hate not being able to see my best guy friend any day but Saturday, and even those days are limited. My best girl friend is always with some other people. It's like I don't belong anywhere at school. I'm really getting used to simply being on my own. I don't care if I look like a loner, peace is all need. It's too loud around people, I need a sanctuary. I need a place to hideaway. The perfect place for me is inside me. I feel like withdrawing myself from the world once again.
I'm not pretty, I'm not smart, I'm not athletic, there isn't much that I'm good at. But I try so hard even though it might not seem like it. I want to improve myself. I want to be a better person. I'm tired of putting myself down, but I've already dug myself a hole so deep, that to stand at the top would only frighten me and cause me to fall back down. Yes it's really silly, I know, but it's how I feel. And even though I would never be able to tell anyone this with my own voice, I believe that writing is extremely powerful, and that I just portrayed myself here.

Life's too short

So we should just enjoy what we have at the moment.

Alan Ho

So this is for Alan Ho, a friend of mine who is like...faaaaaaaaaaaaaar away.
Sooooo, when I first joined SPCL, (Yes this relates to them again) Alan did not remember me. Haha, and it was then that I realized just how good my memory had gotten. I had gone from a girl who was like Dory from Finding Nemo, to someone who remembers things pretty damn well if you ask me. Or maybe I just have too much time to reflect upon things, I don't know. But anywho, so Alan one day IMed me a few months back because I was not a very happy girl, although now I cannot remember for my life why I was unhappy. Kind of controversial to what I just said huh? LOL. I lied, I remember, I just choose to try and forget. Anyways, OFF TOPIC. So since then, Alan has become one of my pretty good friends. To be completely blunt and honest, he's the person I can relate the most to in Leadership. And he's one of the people I trust the most. Not because he's like forever away, not because no one really sees him, not because he doesn't open himself enough for people to talk to him, it's because in him, I see myself. And apparently, in me, he sees himself.
I can joke around and say we're Leadership loners, but that's not true. We have people who love us, we have people who care and worry for us, but we're similar because sometihng holds us back. Because sometihng just keeps getting in the way of us trying to shine along with everyone else. I do not take pride in pretending to be better than anyone else. I do not take pride in comparing SPCL to SPSL so damn much, but it's human. It's instinctual to do so. Alan is able to take in what I'm saying, and he can understand, even if I'm talking in jumbles. Not many people can do that, especially if they only know one half of my life, and yet he, who barely knew me, seemed to see right through the girl that everybody sees on a daily basis. To be honest, I could easily lie to him, but I have a feeling that he'd be able to see right through it.
When it comes to Leadership, he's the person I feel most comfortable talking to about it in general. My best friend may be in Leadership, but even he has not been able to break through my barrier when it comes to talking about Leadership. For some reason, I feel like people would judge me if I told them how I really felt. Alan, I think, is able to simply listen and remember. Sure, he might judge me, but not in the way that I'm scared of. I judge people, I try not to, I try not to be biased, but it happens. It's a part of human life.
Ok so now it sounds like Alan is some amazing Godlike person who no one ever sees anymore. In reality, he's just as human as you and me. He makes his own mistakes. He gets mad at certain things. He has his own obsessions xD. He judges and compares. He has barriers and he trusts. He loves and hates. He's just an average University Student. (Not really he's a super asian freak who upholds our stereotype. =])
But I love that kiddo. Haha. I'm really honestly grateful I met him at that retreat three years ago. He might not remember me, but my memory is too damn good for him, so I'll remember fr the both of us. I'll remember us sitting on the patio talking early in the morning while everyone else is asleep. I'll remember seeing him act as Jesus during the Confirmation Rally. I'll remember him at the car wash...no I really don't but I might. I'll remember him at the Camping Trip. I'll remember rushing with everyone else to the MLK Library just to see him, only to find out he was still in Massachusetts and we were merely webcaming. And most of all, I'll remember him as the person I bared my heart to over AIM. Because I never got the chance to really talk to him in person.
So even tohugh you might have doubts for the future, and even though you might say that you've never opened up to anyone, I just want you to know that I appreciate the fact that you're here. We have so much in common, and our similar traits might not be the best ones, but hey, it's what makes us different. Don't worry, we will all just take one step at a time and we will succeed. Just you watch, we'll make you proud of us.
Much love <3

It's really starting to hit me

So up until now, Tino High has been a breeze for me. And then it happened. I auditioned into the musical and am now in it. My legs can barely support me, my throat is raw, my head is splitting in half and my ear-drums feel like they're going to burst. Plus, all my homework is piling up on me. But I can't drop out of the musical, I just can't, I mean, I'm one of the only 4 female freshmen. 5 Including a boy I think. But anyways. I love it, but I'm feeling the aftershocks, and this is just my first day of dance and Wednsday would be my second day of vocals. I'm exhausted and I can't balance my work.
So I admit, I've been really slacking off during tutorial. I mean, what other school gives their students 40 minutes of homework time IN SCHOOL twice a week? And what have I been doing? Talking to my friends and telling fortunes. What a big whoop. And so, as a New Years Resolution for the Lunar New Year, I've decided to plan out to my day and try and stick to it accordingly. Or, in my case, use tutorial wisely. Whish means if I have to go off and be a loner then so be it.
But first things first, my leg is killing me so I need to get Character Shoes and I've got absolutely no idea what the hell they are or where to get them. But I am never again dancing in socks. If I do, I am going to pad them heavily with tissues. LMFAOO
=]
But yeahh. So rant of the New Years Complete. Teehee
<3

Depression

Ok so uhmm lately, I've been really depressed and so I've used big words and sentences to try and express how I feel and like yeah... I guess I haven't been me lately. I mean sure, it's ok for me to have ups a downs, but for me to consistently complain as the people I care about read and worry over me is just wrong. It's not fair to them and, after watching the Princess Diaries not too long ago, I realized that Mia and I have a lot in common. One thing, is that we were both incredibly selfish, only saying I instead of we or them. I watch to change. I want to be able to break away from this side of me. The side that I absolutely despise. I'm taking this one step at a time, I'm getting better, I know I am. And the people who have stood by me for this long are the people to whom I literally owe my life to. If it wasn't for them, I probably wouldn't even be alive to write this. Haha. But enough of this cheesiness.
I wish to be happy and carefree. I want to be able to write joyful poems that I am proud of, rather than deep, dark ones that I adored. I want to be able to look at my Best Friends and honestly tell them that everything is ok. I want to be able to worry without thinking of myself. Something's going to happen, something very soon, and I don't know what, but it scares me. I want to be able to make everything ok before it happens though. I want to live life fully, without regrets, because despite what I believe in, I do have a few regrets. I feel like I really don't have much time here for some reason. I don't want to leave seeing everything so torn apart. I don't want to go while it seems like my Best Friends are upset over something. But like I said, no regrets, right?
And just in case my feelings are correct, then I really do love everyone. Haha. So now I'm just an overreacting cheese ball in the school library, but just in case I don't get the chance to tell anyone this, all my love goes only to you. Everyone I care for owns a piece of my heart. And Michelle Ng and Jake Lee, who are next to me, are weird <3