No happy endings in this story

Before I start out, I just want tinker surgery is reading know that this is a very depressing and possibly disturbing blog.
And also, I don't want any comments on this and I sincerely hope that you won't think poorly of me after this. This is my broken heart wanting tonpour hour years of anguish and oppression and hurt

My family is not perfect. It is the furthest thing from perfect. My parents are splitting, my sister is the most annoying attention whore born in 1997 ever, my brother is a selfish, cocky, disrespectful, asshole, and I'm a girl who pretends to be selfless and understanding and kind but I'm so fake you can smell the sugar rolling off of me in waves.
I hate my life. Not in a "nothing is agreeing with me I want to die" sort of way, but in a heartfelt passionate kind of way. No one wants my life, all crystal clear and obvious and boring with everything I could need. No one wants to act okay at school and come home to people who say they care but really don't give a shit.
I've been used my whole life by my family. For my parents, I'm the kid who 99.9999% of the time accompanies them to old people gatherings, dinners, or parties. For my sister, I'm the one who has everything she wants, and she tKes it then says she didn't know or forgot. My brother uses me to convince my mom about the little things: girl in his room, programs, schools, all that crap that he can't do by himself.
I am so sick of being used and then beaten down everyday of my life. I am so sick of never being able to be truly proud of myself for anything I do. I am so tired of hearing myself say that I'm the relentless one in the family or I'm he odd one out and knowing that I do mean it. I am tired of always being the other person. But most of all, I'm tired of feeling myself break and tasting the fallen tears every single time I am reprimanded for something stupid.

I'm not sayin I'm faultless, I have made so many mistakes in the past 5 hours I can't even count them. I'm saying that I'm tired of watching others go unpunished for everything thing they do while I'm trapped in this hellhole trying to get free.

My brother does anything he wants. I have to wait till I'm 17 to even start Nything related to driving. He gets to drive by 17. You know what that means? Starting at 16. And I've been so good and patient only to see that happen?

He was out till 4 AM his freshmen formal, didn't tell anyone crap. I asked to stay at a friends house till 1 or 2 to watch a movie and I get yelled at.

After much consideration and thinking, I've also realized that I used to cut myself, not to die, not for attention, but because the physical pain numbed the emotional one. Because I would have really considered dying if I didn't stop what I was feeling.

I hate it when my mom yells at me and then tells me what she has to do. That doesn't mean a thing to her. I wrote a goddamned letter to her explaining so many things and you know what? She still doesn't give a fuck.

The one time she asked me what she could to do make me happy, I told her and by the end of the lecture, I was being called selfish and being told that my sister is very cute and I should love her more. In what kind of insane world does that encourage one child tonlice another?
And still it is expected of me.

I go to practically everything my mom makes me go to and I've never gotten a thank you but Martin goes once and he's praised like the sun sets at his will. And that hurts so much.

I'm forever telling her that I am not respected in the household in the least whenever she tells me to go make my sibligs do something. He'll, Martin doesn't respect her either but in the end, it's my fault. It's because when I need to show "power" I don't and when I don't need it, I pull it out. What a load of bull. Respect is insanely big for me and if my brother cannot respect his elders AND superiors, then I swear, he is dead to me. As is everyone else to acts that way.

I refuse to feel like this again, but I can't stop it. But I would rather die than have to live with this for the rest of my life. I now sometimes pray that God takes me away now, before I am mad at him too. Before I question him and what he does. Before I lose my faith in him.

I'm tired, I am so very, very tired. In the end, I love my family so much it hurts, but I am so frustrated and angry and pained by them that my love means little.

Lord give me the patience I need to live through each day.
Lord give me the strength to keep myself up.
Lord give me the heart to never lose sight of my life.
Lord give me the courage to fight for my beliefs.
Lord give me the wisdom to know when I am done.
Lord give me your guidance, so that everything I now do, I do for you.