Broken Hearted...

My heart just keeps breaking anytime they ask why.
I can’t tell you just how much I hurt inside.
I think this time I’ve lost you for good.
I tried my best, I thought you’d have understood.
I don’t want to talk anymore,
I don’t know what we’re still trying for.
It’s pointless to have tried in the first place,
Why won’t you just tell me straight to my face?
I know you want to be rid of me,
I can take it, why can’t you see?
Don’t let me sit in the dark,
Right now, I’m alone, swinging at the park.
I’m done waiting for you to show up,
I’m done being tossed around like an abused pup.
Don’t worry, I won’t be such a burden from this day on.
Don’t worry, soon, I’ll be long gone…

I was stupid to think I had a chance,

I was stupid to let my heart dance.

I was stupid to wish for you at all,

I was stupid when I felt the tears fall.

I was stupid to think that you'd want me,

I was stupid to think that we were meant to be.

I was stupid to wish for a happily ever after,

I was stupid to believe in all the laughter.

I was stupid to hope for you,

I was stupid to think it'd come true.

I was stupid to think you'd want a broken mess,

I was stupid to think I'd pass your test.

I was stupid to tell you in the first place,

I was stupid to dream of your face.

I was stupid to even mention this,

And I was stupid to come to you when everything was amiss...

Why would you do this to me?
Me who believed you so,
Me who cared enough to let all this go.
Why would you turn on my on my darkest of nights?
Me who needed you here,
Me who's tears are free and clear.
Why would you say all that about me?
Me who's had your back,
Me whom you currently lack.
And tell me, why do you look away from me?
Me who depended on you so much,
And me who was the fool to trust...



I never knew life could be so cruel to me,
I just can't believe that I couldn't see.
All the games that you played, every time my heart broke,
Made me laugh at the fool who believed.
And honestly? I can't believe that you'd do this to me, who you barely knew,
I guess I was just an easy target, for someone like you...



Everything just hurts so damn much.
I guess I'm finally out of luck.
Each time that you smile,
The tears that I've weeped,
Made me laugh at the fool who believed.
And I don't know what the hell I was thinking,
To even consider doing what they were doing.
I don't know what's wrong with me at this time,
I guess I was stupid to believe all those lies.
I can't understand why I keep putting my heart out like that,
After all, it's now just so cracked.
My armor has crumbled,
My soul is shattered.
My resolve is broken,
My heart has shattered.
And it really doesn't matter anymore, what I want.
Because all I'll ever hear are their every taunts.
I'm too afraid to try once again,
So I'll just forever stay within myself,
And with a smile, I'll pretend...



My heart's too broken to love again,
I don't even know how this happened, or when.
The tears keep falling down my face,
I quickly wipe them away so they leave no trace.
I feel like I'm always complaining and crying and I don't know what to do,
Because despite everything I've said, I can't live life without you.
But forever this will stay inside my heart,
Because this one secret is one that I won't let depart...

Faith, Trust, and Pixie Dust <33

This is dedicated my MY best friend. Always and forever. So here's my confession. Honestly? You're the best best friend I could ever hope for. And you're right, anytime you try and say something, I do change the subject to myself. And I've got no right to do that. Just because my life is being chased by the drama demon gods, doesn't mean that I can keep burdening you with them. Don't worry if I'm feeling left out babe, I know that you're always with me. And yeah, I know it may seem that I have a bajillion big brothers. But I'm happy with my 7. No more than that. So don't worry. And you're right, sometimes, I do feel like I'm being replaced, but I should know better than that. We have an unspoken agreement, an oath to each other. That we'll stay together till the very end. Hell, we're like married. And although I never get jealous of girls around my boyfriend, I get so fucking jealous of the people around you. I really can't let you go. Because you mean so much to me. But should anything happen, which it won't, you should know that you'll always be number one in my heart. So please don't be upset if I call someone else best friend number two. It just means that she's closer than a close friend, but not exactly my best friend. That is just for you. It has your name written all over it. You're imprinted within my heart. Now and for all eternity. And even though we say we're going to go to different colleges, who know how our futures will end up?
You're such a big influence on me, you can see it, the way I dress, half of my speech, what I do, how I act. I told you today, "Mommy Mommy! When I grow up, I want to be just like you." And I meant it, except for the Mommy part of course. And I know that I talk about myself so damn much. And that's one of my many many flaws. And I'm extremely lucky to have you stick around for me. I really don't know what I've done to deserve someone like you. You have every right to be annoyed with me at times. God knows I get annoyed with myself. But every time you act like it, I can't help but feel selfish and feel hurt. And I can't just go and do that. Everything wrong with us is because I've closed my eyes to what's between us right now.
Yeah, this is one of our larger bumps in the road. This is probably our first bump really. And I honestly hate it. And I find it funny how we can argue over the littlest things. Right down to clothing and boys. And it's really stupid how I'm always overreacting and everything.
And if you haven't noticed, I'm extremely jealous of you. You have so many friends who love and support you, your parents trust you and love you. You can tell your Mom everything and she'll just take it and not yell at you or anything. You don't break and cry like I do. You're talented and gorgeous. You're grades are amazing and your voice makes my want to cry. You've got everything in life. Your boyfriends will always love you, even after you're done. You're friends are always coming back for you, even if something went wrong. Hell, even my boyfriends want you. But I don't care about that. They're simply going for the better one out of the two of us. And if you guys are happy, then I am.
But no, I'm not really that selfless, sure, I'll feel just a tiny bit ticked, but I love you. Now, always and forever. And don't ever let anything make you think otherwise. And right now? All we really need is a little bit of faith, trust, and pixie dust. We're going to soar higher than ever before. And I won't be scared to look down, because I know that you're right there beside me <333

I'm only 14

You put so much responsibility on my shoulders. I'm only fourteen damn it! You're always telling me, you're the oldest. You need to set the example. If you fail, they will. If you succeed, we don't know if they will. but you need to help them. They're your responsibility.
You tell me everything I do is wrong. You tell me I'm never good enough. Hell, you compare me to my younger siblings. You never listen when I tell you something. You'll only hear what you want to. I mean nothing to you. You just want to show me off to the world. Behind the doors, I'm shit to you. We go out in public and you go, "This is my daughter. She's wonderful." but when they all disappear, you say that I was horrible. I did everything wrong. We're not in a fucking play! We don't have scripts written for us! I'm doing the best I can!
Why am I never good enough for you? I've spent nearly fourteen years of my damn life trying to accept myself. And I'm finally content with who I am. Why do you keep pulling me down? I want so much from life, but you tell me I'm never going to get it. I turn to my one solitude and you tell me to shut up and that I suck at singing. I confide in my friends and you call me selfish and that I care only for them.
I finally start to accept Tiffany, and you seem like you want me to be someone else. You're always changing what you're saying. One minute, you're like I hate what you've become, and the next, you tell me that no matter what happens, I'll always be your daughter. But is that really true? Will you really continue to "care" for me? Yes, I know that I hold some place in you hearts, but does it really matter when I hurt so much? I'm pretty much out of tears now. My eyes are bloodshot. I look like a truck ran me over. Tears are still running down my cheeks. They're leaving trails. And I laugh at how foolish I am.
I think that you're taking everything out of hand. I mean honestly, no phone in my room at night? Yelling at me for having so many friends? Hating my choice in clothing when you wear the same thing? Predicting my future for me? I want so much to be able to tell you all this, but it would just lead to another argument. More tears, more pain, more hurt.
And you need to stop blaming the devil, what if God is testing us? And besides, it's getting pretty old. The devil can't do everything to us. That's just giving him far too much credit. He doesn't deserve to take credit for what's happening here. You tell me to think of what you're doing in a new light. Well look at this from my view. Feel my suffering and then tell me that you're right and I'm still wrong.
Of course, you would never see this. My little secrets are all here, just waiting to be burned and tossed away. My body still shudders from everything I'm feeling. I don't know how to feel anymore. I'm simply numb. I can't feel anything really and it scares me so much.
If only life was that easy, then I could open up completely to you. But every time I start, you pull the rest of the family into it. What kind of trust is that?
Remember that one time I asked you to knock before entering my room? You yelled at me so much. I had no idea what would have happened. You keep telling me I was wrong to ask that of you. Me? Wrong? To ask for privacy? What the fuck are you smoking? I have every right to ask you for my privacy. But still, you won't knock unless my door is locked and you have too. Then you yell at me for locking my door. So I can CHANGE.
I don't know what's happened to us, but I know I'm cutting myself off. And you see it too. That's why you want me around all the time. To keep me here. But I'm going to eventually leave. You know that right? So give me some time and space to grow. Let me be independent. Let me talk back. Don't make me submissive all the time. After all, I won't get anywhere that way...

You've raised me since day one,
And helped me through each day of my life.
You're been there with me when I hated everyone,
And walked me past each strife.
I can never thank you enough for everything,
But now, I'm too afraid to sing.
You'll never understand how I feel,
What you think, simply isn't real.
But to you I'll always stay true.
Because you're my parents,
I'll always love you...

Families can be made, and they can be lies as well...

This goes out to SPC LEADERSHIP
Wow, all our conversations always make me think so much. Now first things first, I have recently discovered, as you have most likely, that I'm rather contradicting. I can say two things at once and have them mean two opposite things. And the reason why, is because I honestly don't know what to say. Because I'm opening up so quickly I'm simply speaking my mind. I don't think. But I mean everything I say. I just need to word it differently so it takes me a couple tries.
And it's also rather funny that most of my SPS-SPC problems are formed when I'm talking to Matthew. Like I said in my first blog, they were my second family. And I loved them so much. But I was thinking, and I realized, that I'm attaching myself and opening myself up so much more within these past 5 or so weeks than I ever have within my two years of SPSL. And the reason for that particular fact is that it's because they had to be my second family. I was forced to accomodate to them, and them to me. I have always had a feeling starting my second year of SPSL that I wasn't very well liked there. And I never knew why. My beliefs were confirmed while talking to Matthew earlier.
I had started a chatroom, because I wanted to introduce Matthew, Cang, and Tony to my friend Michelle, because I talk so much about one to the other, it's be a lot easier to just have them meet. And I was telling Michelle how Matthew made my transition so easy. And on the first day of Leadership, while SPSL was having a meeting, I hadd noticed that some of them were giving my brother and I some dirty looks. Now, I'm not trying to shit talk about them or anything. I'm just saying what I saw from the peoplewho meant so much to me. And apparently, Matthew had noticed as well. So he approach Martin and myself and announced loudly, "You look better in blue." and started laughing. I smiled as well as Martin, only I'm pretty sure he hadn't noticed the looks we were receiving. When I told Michelle that, Matthew added on and told me something that I didn't know. Afterwards, he approached them to talk to them about the looks they were giving Martin and I. And they told him oh, Martin's a traitor and he's so annoying. And Matt got so pissed off. And then they looked over to me, and they were like oh her? She's a slut. Now, I honestly could care less if someone called me a slut, because believe it or not, I have been called one before. and I wouldn't have cared if SPSL had actually SEEN me. Because, as I had mentioned earlier, they were forced to become my second family, I didn't choose them. And so I guess I've always been guarded. Because a small handful, about the size of my hand, if you know me you know I've got the tiniest hands in the world I'm not even kidding, but anyways. About that many people know pretty much all my secrets in SPCL. But in SPS, I don't think one person knows half as much as the people I have trusted in SPC know. And so you've all seen how I dress. Pretty provocatively, and if you're wondering, I am changing my style of clothing to covering up a lot more cleavage so don't worry. But anyways, SPS has only seen me dress in something like that once. And that was recently over the summer. So they honestly had no right to call me a slut. And I broke my heart to know that they would say that about me. But it hurt even worse to hear that someone said my brother was a traitor. If they had to say someone was a traitor, they might as well have called me one. Because I was there longer, I participated more, I was a bigger part of SPSL than Martin ever was, more than he ever would have been. So now I'm trying to figure out why it is that my baby brother is the traitor, and I'm not. Of course, Matt and my friend Michelle told me not to think about it and that they're just words. And Matt told me that if they ever confront me, he'd be with me all the way. But I don't want that. I'd rather stand alone, because this was something that I have done. And I don't want to pull anyone else down with me. And it's just that all this means I've lost SPSL for good. Because I can see it in their eyes when they see me every Saturday in my blue polo. I can hear the slight disdain in their voices. And I can feel them slightly freeze up when I hug them. And I want to honestly cry because of all this. And I just realized that I didn't even bother to make paragraphs out of all this. I just wrote.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm in so much danger of being hurt again, that I can feel myself starting to close up again. Because I was exposed to a new kind of danger. The fear of being "welcomed" within a fake family. And I never want that to happen ever. Not to Martin who still has this year in SPCL and the next. And not my sister, Anna, who's currently in 6th grade Giao Ly. Because I'd do anything to prevent them from going through what I had to go through. And yes, I know that they're both going to see this eventually, but by then, they're going to be mature enough to handle all this. And they'll take it a lot more easily.
And just, so much has been going on in my life. At school, at home, and now at leadership. But I love all three of the parts of my life. And now, I'm starting to feel that omg only 6 more days until leadership feeling that Alan mentioned. Because I felt it once before, for my first year of Leadership. So I guess that since I'm starting over anew, I get to feel it again. And let me tell you, it's one of the best feelings in the world. So that's one you you should never forget <3

I'm Broken

So after a long, long day of leadership, I went to church, and nearly fell asleep. Of course, I felt absolutely awful but I seriously could barely keep my eyes open. And so I decided to think. And I thought about everything really, and I finally realized, I'm broken, or I was at the time. I started this blog about half a month ago and I'm finishing it now. But anyways. During that time, I couldn't even think straight. Well, more of like nothing ran across my mind. My head was completely blank. It horrified me. Nothing I did could make me focus on anything. I thought that something was wrong with me. I felt so empty, crushed, confused. I was a mess. But then suddenly, one of my friends kept telling me not to lose hope. And I believed him, for once. I started to listen to him, so I tried to think optimisticly, and my mind started to work again, and I felt so good. But when I think about the good things, I also think about the bad things. So I started jumbling up again, only this time, I wasn't all numbed out. This time, I know what's going on, and I feel so much pain and fear. All the what ifs shot through me, they penetrated my soul like bullets, and I fell. I've sunken so low, I'm doing things I never should even think of doing, but they make me feel so good, like the world is lifted off my shoulders for that lapse in time. And so I limit myself, I know my strengths, despite what everyone thinks. I can stop anytime I want, but for right now, I just want to continue, just for a little bit. And when it all blows over, watch me prove you wrong, watch me stop it all within the blink of an eye. Because right now, I'm broken.

Just a joke?

Have you ever spent days or weeks, agonizing over something that meant so much to you, only to find out it was simply a joke? Have you ever been lied to or tricked by the one person who had mattered the most at the time? Thinking about you, you'd think that's bull. No one would do that. Think again, life works in the most strange ways. Especially when your destined to be hurt forever. You smile each day to cover up the hurt you feel. You try and avoid them to stop the tears. But each time you see them pass by, your heart is enveloped by indescribable pain. All you can say is, "I don't know. I just don't know." Everything becomes blurry and unfocused. You no longer know what you want. You can't even find yourself within all the darkness. Your vision is clouded, your mind blank. You heart burns and your head spins. Your soul becomes tainted and you cry your life away. You see them approach you, to ask if you're alright, but you simply remain silent and ignore them. Your eyes look up for a second to see hurt flash across their eyes. You feel yourself break a little more but you know that it's what's best for the both of you. You turn and walk away, and you try and leave behind every lie you heard. Every joke that was told. Every time they used to for their own gains. And you can't help but cry one last time, as you laugh at how weak you are. Because you know no matter how much you try, you'll never forget...

Just think

Have you ever been hated on for the worst reason ever? Are you one of those people who's looks are deceiving? Have you ever felt like you're pulling the people you love down because you're so hated? You feel so lost at this point. You fee like it's all your fault. You want to distance yourself from everyone, but you're too afraid too. Life just seems to hate you. Fate acts like your its favorite plaything, its guinea pig or something. You can't do anything to stop it. And you can't do anything to fix it.
You spend each day thinking to yourself, "What am I doing wrong? Is it how I act? How I talk? How I act?" You just keep hurting yourself. At night, you cry because you don't know what to do. The scent of your tears is imprinted on your pillow. But in the morning, you simply smile and act like nothing wrong, so that no one worries over someone like you.
You wish you had a genie, so you can wish yourself away and replace yourself with someone better, but you're selfish enough to keep holding on to those who mean the most to you. You look at the kitchen blade by you but you're too scared to do what you want to. You inhale the calming aroma of the candles around you and your mind clears. Suddenly, your eyes shoot open, "What am I thinking? I don't need to have their approval for what I want." But then you remember, you've already lost so much to them. They're slowly stripping you of everything you hold dear. And they probably don't even know it. You sigh heavily but throw everything away. You need to keep living. You can't give them the satisfaction of finding you dead on your own floor. You're not giving up without a fight and you don't give a shit about what they say anymore. You're not leaving. You're not going anywhere. They're stuck with you and it's not going to be pretty until they learn to cope with you and lift the retarded grudge they hold.
But first, you need to find the courage to tell them that. You've dreamed of standing up to them so many times before. But you can't bring yourself to do it. Not from fear of getting hurt, but from fear of hurting them. You laugh to yourself, thinking of how foolish you are. Then you shake your head and smile bitterly.
You'd rather hold everything within yourself, rather then be a burden to anyone. Too bad your heart has just confessed everything to the world. But one thing is all this, you'll never forget...

What's funny

What happens when life turns on you? Do you cry and complain? Do you ignore it? Do you run away? Well I've done it all. I've tried everything, but nothing really helps. There's no use in complaining. No point in crying and pitying yourself. It's not going to go away it you just ignore it. And it will always be waiting if you run away.
Honestly? I wouldn't be alive now if it wasn't for me friends. Namely, Karen, Brian, Michelle, Matthew, Spencer, and Enya. Sure, I'll open up to others at times but those seven know pretty much everything. And they've been with me through everything. Funny thing is, the more I need them, the more I push them away. I know for sure that one of them is giving up on me. I can see it every time we're near each other. I can feel it when we talk. But that person is such a big part of me. I just can't let go, I won't let go. So I decided to change. No more annoying, pointless tears. No more complaining. No more giving up just like that. No more blaming myself for every little thing. Nothing. I'm putting all that behind me.
I've always been physically stronger than I look, but my soul my heart, could never take a hit. So now, it's time to build a wall. To protect myself from everything. But I'll be sure to leave a secret entrance to myself. For those few people who mean so much to me.
I've realized, that I'm extremely lucky as well. I know I don't think I'm pretty. But at least I'm not ugly. I know I don't think I sing well, but at least I'm passable. I've been granted and blessed with so much. I've got it all. I even have the chance to complain and whine.
What happens when you're the victim of human trafficking? Everything is lost to you all at once. What if you were a child that lost its life due to an abortion> You would never be able to open your eyes. What if you were born with AIDS or you're a child with cancer? You're future is pretty much done for the most part. Most of the time, in these cases, your future is set in stone. You don't get the chance to cry over a failed relationship. You don't get the chance to be mad at your best friend for never returning your favorite jacket. You never get the chance to me upset with your little sister to shrunk your newest shirt. You never get the chance to choose your path.
So who are we to say we have it bad? There are many more people who have it ten times worse. But running away or doing drugs just makes it worse. It just hurts you even more. And sometimes, you have that mom you can tell everything to and she'd understand. She becomes your best friend during that time. and then you have the mom you can't say anything to. You just keep pushing each other farther and farther away from each other.
Everything might hurt, but in this world, there is always that one person who will hold you and love you and never let you go. Whether they're your family, or your "brothers" or "sisters", your best friend, or your boyfriend or girlfriend. It doesn't really matter. Because you have them in the end. And if they end up drifting away from you, grab on and never let go. Because that would be the biggest mistake of your life. Don't give up too quickly, because then, you'll never know how it would have ended up, and you'll spend life dreaming and wondering.
Live life to its fullest. Don't ever turn back. Never regret what you've done. Keep your head up high and just hold on and ride out the waves. You'll reach your happy ending. Just don't stop looking for it.
And most importantly, never forget. <3