Holidays

Holidays are a time to cherish what you have, reflect on your past, enjoy your present, and embrace your future. These special days come only once a year, they allow for you to do something special only once, and then your opportunity is lost, because next you, you'll be different, and your definition of special will be different. Everyone changes, yes I know that's true. I know I've changed ever since I joined SPS Leadership. I took a step up and I opened myself a little more. And then I know I changed again when I joined SPC Leadership. I took charge this time, I became a leader, I took all of my experience with me and applied it to what I was doing at the moment. Now, I don't look down on myself as much anymore. I'm not so angry anymore. I'm not as broken.
Holidays give you a chance to spend it with your family. Whether or not you call your birth parents your real family, you have to understand that your mother went through at least 9 hours bringing you into this world. Your father loved you, at some point. Both of them care. Even if you think it's bull. Some part of them remembers a time when you were everything to them, and hell, you still probably are. Sure, parents might be annoying right now, but everything they do, they do for you. When they yell at you, it's because they don't know any other way to get to you. Maybe you've drifted beyond their reach and your only way to communicate with your parents is for them to yell at you.
Holidays are a time to love with all your heart. Cherish everything that you have, bring all your happiness forward and shoot it out into the world. Give everyone a glimpse of the real you. Don't wait for it too be too late, don't wait to the point where you regret. Everything has a purpose, but whether or not you can pull it off is up to you. Just trust in yourself and believe that you can do anything you want to do.
<3

Enough

Don't talk to me. I've had enough of this bullshit. I'm done trying to prove myself to you. I'm done trying to be perfect for you.
I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of lying to myself. I've had just about enough. I don't want to grow up to be someone I'm not.
Why do you look at me that way? Why do you act like you care? I know that you think I'm annoying. I know that you wish I would just disappear.
What if I really did just vanish? What if I was never born? What if I suddenly was just swallowed up by the darkness, right in front of your eyes?
Would you be happy then? Would you cry for me? Would you laugh and go on as if I never existed? Would you regret anything we had done in life?
What if I told you that I want to live? What if I said that I love life? What if I told you that I love you?
Would you be happy for me? Would you encourage me to keep going on? Would you turn me away? Would you scorn me? Would things be awkward?
All these what ifs and would bes just keep streaking around my mind. Maybe, just maybe, if I closed my eyes, it would all end...

Forgiveness

Ok, so lately, I've been a real bitch and I've been moody and pissy and only God knows why. I really had no excuse to act the way I did. All the disappointment, the tears, the fuck yous, the I'm dones. All were products of my overreactions...I was wrong, I admit it. You weren't to blame at all. I shouldn't have complained and I shouldn't have said all that. You were right, I do need to calm down a little.But maybe next time, just throw me a heads up? Alright, so I have a lot to ask for, and half the time, I interpret things my own way. I guess I'm more like my mom than I thought... *shudders* Wow, so much for never wanting to turn out like her. But anyways, the fault is mine, and so you won't stop hearing me say sorry over and over again. Lol. Don't even try stopping me, I care too much to just let this slide. I'm just making a fool of myself aren't I? But like I once said, absolutely no more tears, right?
Haha, I love you so much. I lied when I said I could live without you and without love. I can live without receiving love, or rather, receiving little love, but I adore giving out my love. It makes me whole and it makes me feel so happy. So I hope you understand what I'm trying to say, Forgive me?

Done

Fuck everything that's going on. You tell me I overreact? Well why don't you give me one good way to react to this. I want out. I want to go away. I want to disappear. I want to take back every little thing I said to you, good and bad. I'm glad that after this year I'll be gone. Maybe I'll be less of a bother. Maybe you won't have such an annoying girl around. Now wouldn't that be great? Why don't you just tell me you want me gone? I know you do, I can see it on your face. It's written in your eyes. Just tell me to leave, I'll do so in a heartbeat. Don't let me believe that I'm doing something right for once in my life, then suddenly crush me. I haven't been given any reason to believe anything else. call me what you want. I'm going to disappear soon anyways. You won't have to deal with me anymore. Don't worry, I'm done...

Leave

Fuck this. I’ve had enough. I’m done being weak, I’m done acting. I’m done needing you so much. I’m done being so dependent. I’m done being clingy, I’m done looking down on myself. I’m stronger than this, I know I am. I don’t need anyone. I know what I am. I know what I say about myself is a lie. I can live my own life. I can be proud of myself. I can be powerful. Fuck you. Don't you even dare try to talk to me at this point. I don’t need you. I don’t need him. I don’t need love. It just passed the time for me. It just entertained me and kept my life interesting. Love is useless, it doesn’t exist. It’s just what the foolish call lust. It’s nothing more than that. People say that they can’t live without love? Bullshit. I’ve done just fine so far. I don’t need to be coddled or spoiled. I don’t need sweet words or heartfelt letters. I just need to live. I just need to see. And I just need to be allowed to go.

Just disappear...

Why is it that every time I try, what I want stays out of reach? Why is it that all of my plans backfire on me? Why is it that I try, even when I know that there is no hope? Why the hell is it that when I hurt I end up pushing you further away? Why can’t you see that I want for you to yell at me? Why can’t you see that I need for you to never let me go like that? Why the fuck can’t you see that I need you more than you’ll ever know?
You know what? I’m done here. I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. I don’t want to have to go through all the pain anymore. I can’t bear to see you walk away from me again. I can’t take the fact that you’d tell me to do something, then just ignore me when I try and talk to you. I can’t heal from anymore heartbreaks. I can’t stand up anymore. I can’t think of you without crying. I can’t help the fact that my chest aches so much. I guess I’ve finally done it. I’ve proved to you just how much of a burden I am. I just want to forget…

She's such a bother

Over and over again I imagine them thinking that. I'm always such a burden on everyone. Battle after battle, issue after issue, and they're not really all that either. All I do is cry and complain, because I don't have the strength to fix things. They tell me to find the strength, but I can't. I'm afraid of stepping over people just to stand up. Is hurting someone else worth me being strong? Is it worth pushing people down just to get want I want? Wouldn't it just be easier if I stayed like this? Wouldn't everything be ok if I just stay weak? But I hate it so damn much. I'm useless, I can't do anything. I can't help, I can't offer comfort. I can't say anything to make anyone feel ok again. I can't even make myself feel better. I'm worthless. Better of dead. I should just disappear. It's not as if anyone would notice...