I just don't understand

I don't get how people want to be loved, and yet they don't give any out in return.
I don't get how people say that they pity the poor, and yet lavish themselves in riches every day.
I don't get how people can despise liars, and yet they lie all the time.
I don't get how people are able to ignore the horrors of the world, and yet they say that they want to make a difference.
I don't get how people are so racist that they decide to do a We Are the World Remake for Haiti, which holds Africans, but didn't care this much for the Hurricane Rita and Katrina victims, or the Tsunami victims.
I don't get how countries can pretend like they care, when really, they know that it's their fault to begin with.
I don't get how people can say that they want peace, and yet they support our wars consistently.
I don't get how a person can sell of another human being, while hoping that it doesn't happen to them.
I don't get how people won't speak up for others, while hoping that others will stand up for them.
I don't get how people can hurt others for their own gain.
I don't get how people that we trust can betray us.
I don't get how we can demand so much, and yet we don't expect give in return.

*---------------*
Yeah, so I was really upset and I just ended up thinking of the irony of the world. So yeah, I've decided that if I could have one thing in the world, in exchange for something dear to myself, I'd give up my ability to lie, if it'll prevent people from lying to me as well.

Nankurunaisa; Everything'll be okay..

So yeah..I haven't blogged in such a long while. Haha. I don't know if this will turn out to be me reminiscing, or ranting, or simply telling stories (Cuz I never tell just one ^.^), but I'm just going to type and see where it goes. Why don't we start with some thoughts?
Well, I've been bookworming an awful lot lately, and each time I close a book, I feel kind of empty. It's like, I've finished that story, and I can't keep it with me, which, of course, is completely false, I always retain something from everything I've heard, read, or seen. Whether it's "PEANUT BUTTER!!!" from the Lightning Thief, or, "Nankurunaisa" from Blood+, I pick something up and it stays with me forever. I've realized that I get most of my future from these stories. They shape me and constantly change my outlook, and I don't know if this is good or bad. For example, I try and be original as often as I can, and so I always try and come up with original names in the case I ever have children in the future, and I pick up a lot of names from stories. Names like: Ambrogina, Lucindeya, Camden, Bowen, Kaderin, Emmaline, and just so much more. These are such unique names and it's just, it makes me so happy when these authors have such brilliant minds. Also, many of these names have a certain meaning to me. They usually come from a series or a story that I enjoyed greatly, and these characters usually amazed or inspired me in some sort of way. Ambrogina because she lived for such a long time while her husband was off making statues in Greece, leaving her the estate to run, unknowingly, of course. Lucindeya....well her name was actually pretty cool ^.^;. Camden because he had the nerve to run off right after his marriage to Gina and escaped to Greece to carve statues. Bowen because he risked everything for the woman he loved, he was even willing to die. Kaderin because of how strong her family ties were, to the point where after her sisters were killed, she lost all emotions and sought to exterminate every vampire to walk the earth (Cuz a Vampire killed her sisters.) And Emmaline because she was so sheltered, and yet she was able to gather the courage to fight against Lachlain, the most frightening creature she's ever seen, even though they got together in the end, and how she found her father, and had to kill him in the end cuz man was he whoooooooo in the brain. And every other name that's stayed with me holds some sort of meaning in my heart. Lol so much cheeeeeeeese. But that wasn't the point I was trying to get at, not at all. LOL. But uhm, I don't know, life may not be perfect in all these stories, but each couple holds so much love for each other, it just, I don't know, I'm just so disappointed with life now. I see so many divorces, it's almost like being married is just a game, something that you can stop at a whim, but we say, "Till death due us part" for a reason. Haha, I'm so odd, I shouldn't live in books, but they're my escape from the world. They give me hope, because, like every other person in the world, I want to find that right person for me. I don't care much for his looks or financial status (I care but not overly so), I just want him to care for me. I think that asking for love in this era is asking for too much, I just want someone to care for me and someone who's patient with me, cuz God knows how much patience he'll need. Haha, I find that funny, though, how I read so much about love, but I really don't believe in it. It just...seems like a sugarcoated version of, "Hey I'm attracted to you, and care for you, and reaaaaally wanna get into your pants, so why don't I tell you that I love you so I can get there?" I mean, sure, I tell my friends, and my family, that I love them all the time, but I've come to realize that I don't really mean it. I care for them, a lot, but I don't love them, not like I know I should. I know that God cares for me, he might even love me, but if I don't believe in love anymore, then why should I say that God loves me? He cares, a whole lot, and he's never turned his back on me before, but that's just caring, right?
Speaking of God, my brother's been pissing me off lately. So yesterday was Ash Wednesday, as well as Senior night for our Boy's Basketball team. And I wanted to go watch the game, and then realized it was Ash Wednesday, so I tell Martin, and he goes, "Well if we don't tell Dad then he won't know." And I was like....are you kidding me?! And so I tell him, and he goes, "I don't know, I just don't feel that connection with God anymore, blah blah blah." And I got sooo mad. I told him that God has NEVER given up on him, has never turned his back on him, so he better not dare do so to God. And he goes, "Blah blah well I feel him when I play music so I'll play music instead of going to church. Blah blah." And I was horrified. I was like...That little BITCH! No you cannot find another way to get to God, okay sure I'm glad that you feel connected when you play music, personally, I think it's bullshit, cuz he plays for popularity and he's pretty much admitted that, but whatever makes him happy. And so I tell him whatever he thinks is right and I leave him. And so he goes to check church times, calls my dad, tells him that he can't find a time, and then leaves for the game without telling my dad...outrageous! And then my dad, who also checks around and can't find a suitable time, decides to just let him go.....I was BEYOND pissed. That little brat gets EVERYTHING. Okay, so I'm whining and complaining now, but I think I somewhat get the right to. I mean....I ALWAYS ask before I leave the house, and half the time, I don't even get to go! But Martin....he skips church, he leaves home without asking, he gets everything. Like, after Formal, I went home as soon as I found a ride (My date was my ride there and stuff happened so I didn't have one back at first), and Martin...he gets back at 4. Yeah...4 AM. That did not seem fair at ALL. And OMG he NEVER keeps his house key, so whenever he gets home from band, he wakes EVERYONE up JUST to get into the house. So one day, at fricken THREE AM, he calls me, and I am dead tired, so I tell him no, I'm not gonna fucking open the door, that's kind of YOUR problem. And then my mom finally wakes up, and gets pissy with me, and then lets him go hang out with friends and skip church, while I'm at home doing chores, like always. And it's just, it really hurts sometimes, how it's practically like I'm kind of mistreated. And he's always just like, "Yeah, I'm good, blah blah Tiffany, you need to get better, blah blah you're flat Tiffany why can't you sing in tune? Blah blah I have more friends than you, blah blah, I'm so much better than you." UGH it just really upsets me, you know? Cuz he's my brother, and I just feel so degraded around BOTH of my siblings. Like, not to be a brat, but my sister has like 10 Build-A-Bears, and I have one. One, from eighth grade, from a FRIEND. Not even from my parents. And she has 10. Yeah.......I was like okay, obviously I was never young enough for you to get me one but whatever. Like, I know they care, once, when I was young, I supposedly went through this phase where I wouldn't eat, and so my mom took me to a pastry shop and, being a kid, I pointed at everything, and she spent her week's paycheck buying me all those pasties, and I only ate a few, but she was so happy that I ate at all, that it was worth it. And my first coat ever was like $200, but like, I don't know, I wish that I got more now, not like money wise or anything, I just want attention sometimes. I want to be more than just, someone for my mom to cry to or rant to or yell at. I want them to be proud of me. You know, for Tet this year, they BOTH told me that I had to be a better kid? I don't know what I can do for them without completely changing myself anymore. I don't want to change completely, I like myself, but I can't be me and make them happy, and I'm so torn apart. So I guess last year I was a bad kid, huh? Haha, I don't want to be a bad kid, I already get the short end of the stick, I don't think I can handle being the disappointment of the family, but sometimes, it seems like I am. I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't act, not like my sister. I can't play the piano like Martin. I can't play the guitar at ALL. I can hardly drum, he reminds me everyday. I can't get respect from them like an older sibling should, I can't be an example for them because nothing I do is good enough. I'm not even that smart, I've given up my dreams because I don't see where I can go. Like, I wanted to go into International Relations at one point, and my brother ups and goes, "WTF Tiffany, I was wanting to go to Boston U MUCH longer than you have for that blah blah." And I was like well, there goes another dream...of course, in the end, neither of us wanted to pursue that, but you know, it's like I was still so hurt, especially because he made such a big deal out of it. And my mom's always like oh Anna and Martin would be so good for this! You can take care of the paper work....and it's like gee thanks Mom...I'd LOVE to be the assistant.....I don't know.
Haha, it's funny how the title of this is Nankurunaisa, but I just don't feel that way right now. Haha, I never seem to realize how awful I am until I blog, I think I'm okay, I tell myself and everyone around me that I am, but whenever I blog, I can tell that I'm not. Maybe that's why I take so long to blog now, because I can't stand to be so vulnerable.
I laugh because it's the only thing I can do, I've realized that. It's the only time I can be myself, or who I used to be, that's why I laugh so much. That's why I'm always smiling, that's why I find everything funny. I cry because it makes me feel better, that's why I watch sad movies, cuz then no one is suspicious, or I read sad stories or touching stories. I'm angry and easily annoyed because it keeps me from being so sad, not because I hate anyone, just because it seems to distract me when I'm upset like that.
I don't know, I think what I got from this was that I can't believe that Martin's SUCH a brat! And that I cannot believe that my parents told me to be a better kid....I don't know, I can actually imagine that second one. I wasn't the best child, but I don't think that I was the worst. Haha, maybe it's cuz I've stepped up this year. I just got so tired of being pushed around and listening to everything, I still do, of course, but when they yell at me, I just yell back. Of course, it doesn't help my case, but if they could just leave me alone after they yell...I think what I hate most of all, is when they're mad at me, and they go, "I won't even talk anymore" And then they keep talking and complaining and telling me how horrible of a child I am. After awhile, I start believing it, and I don't know what I can do to make them proud of me, or even happy with me. Am I supposed to give up who I am to be malleable for them? I just don't know, I don't even know if everything'll be okay anymore.....
No colors this time around =/