You put so much responsibility on my shoulders. I'm only fourteen damn it! You're always telling me, you're the oldest. You need to set the example. If you fail, they will. If you succeed, we don't know if they will. but you need to help them. They're your responsibility.
You tell me everything I do is wrong. You tell me I'm never good enough. Hell, you compare me to my younger siblings. You never listen when I tell you something. You'll only hear what you want to. I mean nothing to you. You just want to show me off to the world. Behind the doors, I'm shit to you. We go out in public and you go, "This is my daughter. She's wonderful." but when they all disappear, you say that I was horrible. I did everything wrong. We're not in a fucking play! We don't have scripts written for us! I'm doing the best I can!
Why am I never good enough for you? I've spent nearly fourteen years of my damn life trying to accept myself. And I'm finally content with who I am. Why do you keep pulling me down? I want so much from life, but you tell me I'm never going to get it. I turn to my one solitude and you tell me to shut up and that I suck at singing. I confide in my friends and you call me selfish and that I care only for them.
I finally start to accept Tiffany, and you seem like you want me to be someone else. You're always changing what you're saying. One minute, you're like I hate what you've become, and the next, you tell me that no matter what happens, I'll always be your daughter. But is that really true? Will you really continue to "care" for me? Yes, I know that I hold some place in you hearts, but does it really matter when I hurt so much? I'm pretty much out of tears now. My eyes are bloodshot. I look like a truck ran me over. Tears are still running down my cheeks. They're leaving trails. And I laugh at how foolish I am.
I think that you're taking everything out of hand. I mean honestly, no phone in my room at night? Yelling at me for having so many friends? Hating my choice in clothing when you wear the same thing? Predicting my future for me? I want so much to be able to tell you all this, but it would just lead to another argument. More tears, more pain, more hurt.
And you need to stop blaming the devil, what if God is testing us? And besides, it's getting pretty old. The devil can't do everything to us. That's just giving him far too much credit. He doesn't deserve to take credit for what's happening here. You tell me to think of what you're doing in a new light. Well look at this from my view. Feel my suffering and then tell me that you're right and I'm still wrong.
Of course, you would never see this. My little secrets are all here, just waiting to be burned and tossed away. My body still shudders from everything I'm feeling. I don't know how to feel anymore. I'm simply numb. I can't feel anything really and it scares me so much.
If only life was that easy, then I could open up completely to you. But every time I start, you pull the rest of the family into it. What kind of trust is that?
Remember that one time I asked you to knock before entering my room? You yelled at me so much. I had no idea what would have happened. You keep telling me I was wrong to ask that of you. Me? Wrong? To ask for privacy? What the fuck are you smoking? I have every right to ask you for my privacy. But still, you won't knock unless my door is locked and you have too. Then you yell at me for locking my door. So I can CHANGE.
I don't know what's happened to us, but I know I'm cutting myself off. And you see it too. That's why you want me around all the time. To keep me here. But I'm going to eventually leave. You know that right? So give me some time and space to grow. Let me be independent. Let me talk back. Don't make me submissive all the time. After all, I won't get anywhere that way...
And helped me through each day of my life.
You're been there with me when I hated everyone,
And walked me past each strife.
I can never thank you enough for everything,
But now, I'm too afraid to sing.
You'll never understand how I feel,
What you think, simply isn't real.
But to you I'll always stay true.
Because you're my parents,
I'll always love you...
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