Families can be made, and they can be lies as well...

This goes out to SPC LEADERSHIP
Wow, all our conversations always make me think so much. Now first things first, I have recently discovered, as you have most likely, that I'm rather contradicting. I can say two things at once and have them mean two opposite things. And the reason why, is because I honestly don't know what to say. Because I'm opening up so quickly I'm simply speaking my mind. I don't think. But I mean everything I say. I just need to word it differently so it takes me a couple tries.
And it's also rather funny that most of my SPS-SPC problems are formed when I'm talking to Matthew. Like I said in my first blog, they were my second family. And I loved them so much. But I was thinking, and I realized, that I'm attaching myself and opening myself up so much more within these past 5 or so weeks than I ever have within my two years of SPSL. And the reason for that particular fact is that it's because they had to be my second family. I was forced to accomodate to them, and them to me. I have always had a feeling starting my second year of SPSL that I wasn't very well liked there. And I never knew why. My beliefs were confirmed while talking to Matthew earlier.
I had started a chatroom, because I wanted to introduce Matthew, Cang, and Tony to my friend Michelle, because I talk so much about one to the other, it's be a lot easier to just have them meet. And I was telling Michelle how Matthew made my transition so easy. And on the first day of Leadership, while SPSL was having a meeting, I hadd noticed that some of them were giving my brother and I some dirty looks. Now, I'm not trying to shit talk about them or anything. I'm just saying what I saw from the peoplewho meant so much to me. And apparently, Matthew had noticed as well. So he approach Martin and myself and announced loudly, "You look better in blue." and started laughing. I smiled as well as Martin, only I'm pretty sure he hadn't noticed the looks we were receiving. When I told Michelle that, Matthew added on and told me something that I didn't know. Afterwards, he approached them to talk to them about the looks they were giving Martin and I. And they told him oh, Martin's a traitor and he's so annoying. And Matt got so pissed off. And then they looked over to me, and they were like oh her? She's a slut. Now, I honestly could care less if someone called me a slut, because believe it or not, I have been called one before. and I wouldn't have cared if SPSL had actually SEEN me. Because, as I had mentioned earlier, they were forced to become my second family, I didn't choose them. And so I guess I've always been guarded. Because a small handful, about the size of my hand, if you know me you know I've got the tiniest hands in the world I'm not even kidding, but anyways. About that many people know pretty much all my secrets in SPCL. But in SPS, I don't think one person knows half as much as the people I have trusted in SPC know. And so you've all seen how I dress. Pretty provocatively, and if you're wondering, I am changing my style of clothing to covering up a lot more cleavage so don't worry. But anyways, SPS has only seen me dress in something like that once. And that was recently over the summer. So they honestly had no right to call me a slut. And I broke my heart to know that they would say that about me. But it hurt even worse to hear that someone said my brother was a traitor. If they had to say someone was a traitor, they might as well have called me one. Because I was there longer, I participated more, I was a bigger part of SPSL than Martin ever was, more than he ever would have been. So now I'm trying to figure out why it is that my baby brother is the traitor, and I'm not. Of course, Matt and my friend Michelle told me not to think about it and that they're just words. And Matt told me that if they ever confront me, he'd be with me all the way. But I don't want that. I'd rather stand alone, because this was something that I have done. And I don't want to pull anyone else down with me. And it's just that all this means I've lost SPSL for good. Because I can see it in their eyes when they see me every Saturday in my blue polo. I can hear the slight disdain in their voices. And I can feel them slightly freeze up when I hug them. And I want to honestly cry because of all this. And I just realized that I didn't even bother to make paragraphs out of all this. I just wrote.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm in so much danger of being hurt again, that I can feel myself starting to close up again. Because I was exposed to a new kind of danger. The fear of being "welcomed" within a fake family. And I never want that to happen ever. Not to Martin who still has this year in SPCL and the next. And not my sister, Anna, who's currently in 6th grade Giao Ly. Because I'd do anything to prevent them from going through what I had to go through. And yes, I know that they're both going to see this eventually, but by then, they're going to be mature enough to handle all this. And they'll take it a lot more easily.
And just, so much has been going on in my life. At school, at home, and now at leadership. But I love all three of the parts of my life. And now, I'm starting to feel that omg only 6 more days until leadership feeling that Alan mentioned. Because I felt it once before, for my first year of Leadership. So I guess that since I'm starting over anew, I get to feel it again. And let me tell you, it's one of the best feelings in the world. So that's one you you should never forget <3